There's a Hole in my Hull

I've been good lately. Things have been good. I've been a bit stressed and overwhelmed about my test, but otherwise I've been good. Until last night. Last night someone popped my balloon and I started to sink. I don't even know what triggered it...I just know that when my family left after dinner last night, I felt an almost sudden drop. Like within minutes a dark cloud made its way over my head. And there it has remained. Several instincts kicked in--typically fight or flight. At first I wanted to crawl into bed, maybe just get in the car and drive away. Then I decided to watch SNL to try to flip the switch. Nothing. So I watched Grey's Anatomy for catharsis. Nothing. I went to bed heavy and sad, but for no discernible reason. Then the thoughts started flooding in. Next year I have to take Ben to daycare. Real daycare. But they won't know that he likes to snuggle, suck his thumb, and play with his hair when he's tired. He won't be able to nap in his crib, which is the only place he likes to sleep. He won't be able to wake up to me from his afternoon nap. Then, of course, it becomes about me. I'll need to drop him off and pick him up. I'll lose my occasional quiet time after work while he finishes his nap. No one will bring him by my work for lunch every couple of weeks. A stranger will be raising my son. Can we live off of just Matt's income? We barely live off both incomes. If I left my job my credential will expire. We'll be spending the next 20 years paying off loans for a job I don't even do. I have to work. He has to go to daycare. My heart is shattered into a million pieces, and I can't do anything about it.

Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep last night. This morning I got to work and emailed someone I'd been referred to for daycare. Then I cried. My first period class acted like jerks. They were rude and disrespectful, and all I wanted to do was go home and crawl back into bed. Or study. I need to study. This weekend I took a second practice test and scored two percent lower than I did two weeks ago. I'm studying 3-4 hours a day and I'm actually getting worse.

After school at an impromptu staff meeting I learned that we're losing a staff member that has been my biggest supporter and helper.

I know things could be much worse. Today I was reading about Africa...maybe that's exasperating my sinking ship. Thousands of people are killed or displaced in countries all over the world every day. And while the books I'm reading often subtly paint the western world, particularly the United States, as the "good guy," we are subjugators. We produce very little of the world's resources, and yet we consume the most. Then we "give aid" to a few people and pat ourselves on the backs for our generosity. So maybe I'm doing myself a disservice by all this studying. I've immersed myself in world history and geography for the last four months, and it's bleak and skewed. Maybe it's contributing to the hole in my hull.

So I'm all dark and twisty today.