Four Months!

Miss Emma is a whopping four months old today! She is fantastic. She laughs, rolls all over the place, stands, does crunches and push-ups, grabs her toys (and everything else) and puts them in her mouth, plays with her feet, and is awesome. I love this girl.

The World According to Ben

Another edition of Awesome Stuff My Kid Says.


At Urgent Care, trying to find out why he's been throwing up for a week...

(referring to a man in green scrubs) "Mommy who's that green man?"
Me: "He's a nurse."
B: "Are you a nurse?"
Me: "No, I'm a teacher."
B: "No, you're not a teacher. You're just a mom."

(after peeing in a cup) "Mommy can I have my pee pee in a cup?"
(when the doctor came in) "Mommy show him my pee pee in a cup."
(when the doctor took his pee cup to run tests) "Mommy where is he taking my pee pee in a cup? I want to keep it. Can I have it? Is that a good deal?"
(After we'd been there for a while) "Mommy we need to get out of here to get some fresh air and have some fun."

When the power went out, Matt bought some supplies, including a lantern, which Ben wanted to keep in his room. His reason?

"Boys need light."

Today at the mall...

B: "Mommy can you hold me?"
Me: "No. You're too big for me to carry around the mall. You need to walk."
B: "But little boys need mommies to hold."

Yeah...I held him. And I told Matt that I was melting into a mommy puddle. To which Ben cried,

"Mommy don't melt into a puddle!"

Do you kind of wish a little bit that he was part of your home? Too bad. He's mine.

Black Friday, Indeed

You know those days that begin at 5:15am with you standing in your underwear, suctioning your screaming baby's nose because she can't breathe, and end at 7:15pm with you standing next to a fountain, holding your screaming, overtired baby as your pants slowly fall down? Yeah, me too.

Theme of Thanksgiving Week: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

Tomorrow I will post about the week with our family. This post needs to be quick, because there is a bottle of wine, Trader Joe's dark chocolate-covered stars, and a DVR with my name on it.

Our usual family tradition on Black Friday is to drink hot chocolate, decorate for Christmas, watch Christmas movies, and walk to the mall in the evening. That did not happen today. We are moving next week, so we can't decorate yet. But even if we wanted to it would not have happened. We flew in at 10:45 this morning so we could still have most of the day for our tradition. No. The flight went fine, except for Emma having an enormous blow-out (after which she grinned from ear to ear). You're welcome, Southwest passengers. Hello, airplane changing table. We got home to a clean house (THANK YOU MOMMY!!!!). We played. We had lunch. We all slept for two hours. And then it began. The power went out. No big deal. Ben woke up last. Then he threw up. In my face. Because this was day eight of vomiting, we got dressed and headed to Kaiser. If anyone's keeping track, that's the second Kaiser Urgent Care we've visited this week (we took Emma in during our trip for an ear infection). The fourth time we've been to Kaiser in two weeks. Two visits per kid. Anyway, Ben and I sat in the waiting room and watched Up while Matt and Emma went to Target to get flashlights, candles, Pedialyte, etc. After we were eventually triaged Ben had to pee. I told a nurse, who got a cup in case he needed tests. So Ben peed in the cup. I'm pretty sure it was the coolest thing he's ever done in his life. On the way to our bed from the bathroom Ben showed it to every nurse and patient and told them it was his "pee pee in a cup". He also told the nurse that took his temperature that the boo boo on his forehead was because of daddy. (I hope CPS doesn't come tonight, because we probably won't make a good impression.) Ben cried when the doctor took his pee cup because he wanted to keep it. All of his tests came up clean, so we have no idea why he's been throwing up for a week. Awesome. We went out to eat because the power was still out at our house and we had no food because we've been gone. Emma was screaming because she was hungry. I was not wearing appropriate nursing clothing. I sat right down with a blanket and did it anyway. But it's okay that my belly was showing, because the power went out there too. Then Emma got overtired because she'd been awake for over four hours.

And that brings us back to that fountain behind Corner Bakery, my pants falling down because I've lost a lot of weight in the chaos of the last couple of weeks, Emma screaming because it's hard to be a baby.

The power is back on. The kids are asleep. I'm going to curl up with my treats and my hubby and press the restart button.

evidence of a life well-lived

Our house is a little messy right now. Here on the desk is a cloth baby wipe, a bulb syringe, my phone, Emma’s medical card, Ben’s Red Ribbon Week pencil, and my camera. On the dining room table there’s a cup of pedialyte, a thermometer, a sewing machine, an open issue of Entertainment Weekly, and cloth diapers that are half-fixed. On the coffee table you’ll find an empty coffee cup, a sippy cup of water, burp cloths, some laundry, Mater, Emma’s bunny lovey, and a scarf on knitting needles. On the couch is a pile of unfolded laundry, more cars, a large mixing bowl, and a little boy sleeping off his sickness beneath a hand-knit blanket.

And when I look at all these things I tear up a bit. Not because it’s messy (although sometimes I do tear up about that). But because all of these little odds and ends are proof of a lovely little life. These things don’t just prove that I’m too exhausted to keep my house picked up (although that’s certainly true). They prove that a family lives here.These are little pieces of the three people I love most in this world and the life we have together. For the most part it’s a small, simple, quiet life.

It’s a wonderful life.

Adventures in Single Parenting

This week Matt was in San Francisco for work, so it was just me and the kiddos. So obviously Ben was on antibiotics for a double ear infection and Emma had a horrible cold. Of course I had to take my second sick day a mere four days after starting back at work.

All whining aside, it actually wasn’t bad at all. Emma is doing what normal humans do when they are sick—sleeping it off. All week long she’s been sleeping most of the day. I wish someone would send that memo to Ben, because when he gets sick he sleeps much less instead of much more. Boo. Anyway, my mom helped me out a bit, and the week went by relatively quickly and painlessly. The one exception was the night Emma woke up every 30-60 minutes to cry. Lame.

I should note that as the week progressed I was going to bed earlier each night. Thursday I went to bed at 9:00—and I was pushing it. Last night Matt made his triumphant return around 9:30pm. At 4am we awoke to the sound of puke hitting the floor. Yesterday Ben took his last dose of antibiotics, so naturally it was important that he come down with the stomach flu less than 24 hours later. Puking, fever, the works. Because who wants to go a full day without being sick? Sissies, that’s who. And Ben is not a sissy. Clearly he still has no immune system. So I guess we’ll see you in April.

Right now Matt is with a work friend doing a birthday thing. Other than this few hours of parenting, I’m clocking out for the weekend.

I’m officially on Thanksgiving Break for nine days. Glory to God in the highest. Now if only my family could be healthy for just one holiday ever, I could maybe enjoy it. But I will say this: we’ve been watching a lot of movies, and I’m enjoying the rest. Besides holding a puke bucket occasionally, I don’t have to do much. I certainly don’t have to cook. Silver lining.

We get on a plane Tuesday to go up north. I told that to Ben yesterday, and he launched a def-con five freak-out. Apparently he has developed a fear of flying. I see a lot more Cars 2 in my future.

I ordered some yarn online for a few projects. It took a week of me looking at every type of yarn and about twenty-two changes in my cart before I committed. I’m so excited to get it. Knitting nerd.

That is all.

sick baby. heartbreaking.

She was sleeping so soundly and I didn’t want to wake her, but we had to pick B up. So I loaded her up all swaddled and cozy.

He likes to dress himself.

sweet holiday

I planned my return to work on a four-day week. When I went back with Ben it was on a Monday in September and we had no days off for a month and a half. And I was crazy. No good. This time. I’ve arranged for a much slower and easier transition. Much better. So I only had to do four days before having a three-day break.

It was lovely. We watched Cars 2, played with cars, played superheroes, ate waffles, played outside, took naps, and generally had a lovely day.

Life is good.

three and one third

In just a few days Ben will be 3 years and 4 months old. Oh. My. Gosh. Where has the time gone?

This guy…well, of all the little boys in the world, he is by far my favorite. His imagination blows my mind. He pretends like no one’s business. He never ever stops talking, and what comes out is almost always absolutely hysterical. He’s been sick all week, so we’ve been watching a lot of movies Cars 2. The other day he told Matt, “We’re going to watch Cars 2 and then Madagascar Christmas, okay? Does that sound like a good deal?”

Favorite Common Ben Phrases:

“That’s a good deal.” (referring to something he wants)

“I need ____________. It will feel me better (Ben for “make me feel better”).”

“ I love _________ (insert random, mundane anything). It’s my favorite.”

“That’s what boys do.” (referring to anything he is doing at the moment)

Recent Favorite One-Liners:

5:30 this morning, he comes into my room while I’m sleeping and whispers, “Mommy, Emma pooped. Do you want me to change her?”

Thursday, at the doctor’s for his double ear infection. “Mommy, I’m not sick, you’re sick. You’re going to see the doctor, okay? I’m here for you. I’ll wait for you, okay?”

I could go on for pages. Everything his says is funny, even when he’s mad. We try not to laugh, but we can’t help it. Which leads him to say, “It’s not funny. I’m being berry serious.” Kills me.

He loves his little sister to pieces. The first night she slept in his room was the best night of his life. Whenever she’s not around he misses her. When she cries he runs to her crying, “I’m coming, Emma! Don’t worry Peanut Butter! I got you!” I could cry it’s so sweet. But I don’t have time, because I need to beat him to her or he’ll pick her up. He loves to hold her, pat her back, call her pet names like Peanut Butter and Sweetheart, and kiss her. One day he’ll ask me to take her back to the hospital, and when they’re older he’ll probably despise her. But right now he’s the best big brother ever, and it melts my mama heart.

He loves preschool. His best friend is Dylan, who has “twisty hair.” He loves puzzles, books, trains, cars, and dirt. He is full of joy and love. He loves to cuddle with me. I know that will someday go away, so I’m milking it while I can. When I pick him up from school he runs into my arms, grinning from ear to ear. He wants to do everything by himself, and he feels so proud and big when he accomplishes things. He loves his daddy, and their favorite activity together is rocking out.

I’m passionately in love with him. He makes my life infinitely better.

The Fourth Day

I made it. I survived week one.

Thursday was good. On Wednesday night I packed up the car. I put a note next to the door of the few things I needed to grab on the way out. Thursday morning I put those few remaining things in the car, then went back for the kids. Much better (side note: I can’t WAIT to move downstairs). Ben had slept in our bed again, so he got up at 5:30 when we did. But he watched some TV and was just fine. Emma slept in, and I had to wake her to feed her and get her ready. That was good. We were out the door at 7:10, fed, clothed, and (relatively) happy. I got to work on time. Still missed that morning pump—one of these days I’ll manage to squeeze that in. My students were taking tests and working all day, so I was able to get boat loads of work done. Planning, cleaning, organizing, labeling—my little Nerd Heaven. Introduced my kids to Sigur Ros—always a pleasure. Early out day, English meeting, out the door by 3:00, kids picked up by 3:30, home by 3:45.

Yesterday was Matt’s birthday. I felt so bad, because birthdays are big deals in our house, and this crazy week has made it difficult to make the day special. Four sick Millers plus work equals challenge. But I think I pulled it off. My man is the bestest, and he deserves nothing less. During one of Emma’s middle of the night feedings I wrote him a note on the mirror and left out a card so he could wake up and feel loved. Ben colored a card for him and gave it to him when he got home from work. We couldn’t take Ben to our friends’ because he was sick, and Nana’s out of town. So we had to modify the birthday date a little. So we dropped Emma off at our friends’, and the three of us went to Benihana’s for dinner and Sprinkles for dessert. We had a great time. Ben’s favorite part was the onion volcano, and Matt’s favorite part was being with us. My favorite part was all of it.

So I made it through Week One. A little battered and kind of limping to the finish line, but I made it. My reward is a Friday off with the two mini loves of my life to just relax and enjoy, then a weekend with our family of four before Matt is off to San Francisco for a week for work. Thinking about that one sort of gives me hives, so I’m going to skip it and end with this…

I can do this. I will do this.

It is well with my soul.

(What Should Have Been) The Third Day

Tuesday night the Crazy dialed it up a couple notches. I think I mentioned that B is sick right now with a cold. But if you know him, you know that he has a Go Big or Go Home philosophy when it comes to illness. So yesterday evening while I was giving Emma a bath and Ben was using the toilet he grabbed his ear and started mashing it. He said, "there's something in my ear." Frick. A couple minutes later he started to cry. Hard. He sobbed out that his ear hurt. Double Frick. We gave him a eucalyptus and lavender bubble bath, gave him some Tylenol and Chestal, put him to bed, and crossed our fingers. An hour and a half later he was wailing. There was weeping and gnashing of teeth. And coughing until vomiting. And hyperventilating. Sigh. We turned on Cars 2. I called the sub line and wrote up sub plans for a class I barely know. He slept in our bed and had a couple more attacks. Poor, sweet boy. During one of them he cried that he was peeing his pants. We reassured him that we'd put a diaper on him for the night, just in case, and that it was okay. It was a long night. Wednesday morning I packed up the kids, dropped off the sub plans and made copies, dropped Emma off with the nanny, and went home to have a sick day with my little love. In the afternoon we went to the doctor's and got drops and antibiotics for his two ear infections.

On Tuesday night I had a mini meltdown about the whole thing. I sobbed to Matt that it was too much. Trying to go back to work, being sick, leaving Emma, Ben being sick...too much. He reassured me that I could do it. That the sicknesses were temporary, that my students would be just fine, that I can't change it, and that I would adjust.

By Wednesday morning I was okay. This is what it is. This is parenthood. You try your best, and life happens. Your kids come first, and at the end of the day it isn't a choice--kid trumps job. It is what it is, and I can't do anything about it or control it. The best I can do is adjust and deal. So I chose to accept it and embrace it. I did a load of diapers and picked up, but otherwise I rested with my boy. We watched movies and ate comfort food. He played with his cars and I played with yarn. I felt good about taking Emma to the nanny so I could focus on taking care of Ben and myself. The house is picked up and the diapers are clean. But I decided that for the next couple of weeks we'll use disposables, because I think I need some time to adjust to the busyness and trim anything I can. That extra load of laundry every other day is something I can trim for the time being. I packed up the car last night and pinned a list next to the door of the things I need to load up this morning so I don't forget anything.

One thing at a time.

The Second Day

I was pretty impressed with myself this morning for getting out of the house only 25 minutes later than planned. At least until I got a block from B's school and realized that I'd forgotten his nap stuff. I remembered his backpack, his lunch, my purse, my lunch, my pump, Emma's diaper bag, and both of my children. But I forgot the blankets. I feel like I should still be impressed with myself, though. Because getting out of the house at 7:25am with all of that crap is nothing short of a miracle. AND we all had clothes on. AND I managed to feed both of my children (but not myself--who has time to eat?). Let's not talk about what the house looked like as I left. Let's pretend that you could see the floor, and that it was not, in fact, covered in pajamas, shoes, clean laundry, dirty laundry, burp cloths, blankets, cars, used and unused kleenex, a card game, empty water bottles, TV remotes, a rattle, and probably a dozen other things. And while we're talking about how pretty my house is, we've got to throw in the fact that our bed is covered with random throw blankets because Ben fell asleep in it and peed on the beadspread which is, of course, dry-clean only. And if all of that isn't enough, my books are not in alphabetical order--they're just shoved willy nilly onto shelves. I might die.

Because my house isn't enough of a mess, my classroom looks like it was was invaded by Vikings. I have no idea where anything is, and there are piles of papers everywhere. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to grade them, file them, or eat them. And there's a random half-full bag of smarties on my desk. But I know exactly what to do with those. Besides the mess, I have no idea what I'm teaching tomorrow let alone next month. And don't even get me started on the state of my color coding system. How is a person supposed to live like this!?!?

If being a working mom of a small child was not enough to knock the anal organizer out of me, then being a working mom of two small children most certainly is. And being heinously sick on top of it is an almost laughable addition.

I almost forgot to bring milk to Emma's nanny. I forgot to switch the laundry before I left, so it sat in the washer all day. I spend my recesses and lunches pumping, and I keep forgetting to eat. I almost forgot to pick Ben up from preschool. I just kept thinking about when I should leave to pick up Emma, and eventually it dawned on me that I have to get the other one, too. Good grief. I swear I used to be intelligent.

I got around to picking up both children. But it's a good thing I don't have any more, because I don't think there's room for anyone else in the car, what with the seven bags and all (not to mention the crafts, papers, and Ben's extra sweatshirt that I forgot to bring home last week). How do I end up always going home with more than I left with?

So basically I'm barely hanging on. And that's just with handling life. I haven't yet mentioned the emotional roller coaster. I don't even really know how to express that one. But it hurts. It physically hurts to drop them both off each morning, and sometimes I can barely breathe I miss them so much.

In the midst of the crazy, there is sweetness. It's nice to be back in the classroom--I'm gradually relaxing back into teaching, and there are moments where I am genuinely comfortable and excited. At home there are cuddles and kisses and the beauty of my family in the fall. As Ben piled pillows on me and dug me out to safety and freedom, all the while telling Emma to watch, I felt a peace and a joy in my home. At the end of a crazy day, including my second work shift of making dinner, folding diapers, and all the things I have to do here, my beautiful children and dashing husband are there, and that's what matters.

It will take a long time for me to figure out how to live this new life. And patience. Maybe a personal assistant. Also wine.

The First Day

Our first day. Ben is inside watching Cars 2 and coughing his lungs out.

We did it. We survived. Ben stayed home sick with Matt while Emma and I began our new life.

We looked good. I bawled my head off. Emma did great with her nanny. I felt a little like I was drowning in mucus and a school year in full swing. Very overwhelming. More overwhelming? My realization at the end of the day that I will be doing this again. And again. Five days a week for eight months.

My kids seem awesome. While I feel very overwhelmed with catching up and diving in, I'm looking forward to getting to know them and being an idiot in front of them teaching. But...overwhelmed. That's the word of the day. The week. Probably the year.

It's 6:30am, and I need to pack lunches, make breakfast, get three people dressed, and get out of the house.

Once more unto the breech...

The Last Day

Tomorrow is the day.

This weekend was Horrible. Horrible with a capital H. Friday night we decided to try to put Emma to bed in her crib. She woke up every half hour or so. Saturday Ben and I woke up insanely sick. We kept trying to put Emma down for naps in her crib. Awful. She barely slept all day. I've hardly slept all weekend. I can't breath or hear. And my heart just hurts. Not a great way to end my leave. But there it is. What are you going to do? Nothing. Well, not nothing. The kids are in bed. I'm making brownies. And I'm gonna go take a bath. With the expensive stuff.

Sigh.

Zoo Adventures

In October, we also braved the traffic to San Diego and took the kiddos to the zoo. It is one of our favorite adventure spots. Every time we go it’s more fun as Ben gets older. Emma was actually awake for a lot of it (that’s a double-edged sword). And of course I brought the fun camera and took what I think are some quality photographs, if I do say so myself. Ben insisted on bringing his binoculars, which made me nervous because he loves them and I didn’t want them to get lost. But it ended up being a big part of the day. He loved looking through them at all the animals, and being the official “Finder.” He also spent a lot of time looking at the map and planning our routes. He’s a regular Diego, this one. Once we went through the big cats area, he was a tiger for the rest of the day. It was particularly entertaining at lunch when he growled at everyone sitting around us. Fortunately they were able to see past his very good impression, and they seemed to understand that he was not, in fact, a real tiger. But he was very convincing. I dressed Miss Emma in an adorable little giraffe onesie with matching pants and sweatshirt that I got from a student. Of course I forgot to give her her medication before we left, so of course she was barfing all over it all day. And of course she had an enormous blow-out while we were on the sky tram, which, since she was in disposables for the day, leaked all over through her pants and my skirt—freaking disposables. It took me 20 minutes to clean her up. I was really bummed because I love the shirt. But by some miracle of God the poop missed the shirt and concentrated on the pants. I don’t know how it happened, but it did, so she was able to wear her giraffe all day, and we saved an outfit. At the end of the day she stank horribly of spit-up and poop, but she still looked crazy cute. And the binoculars never left the Finder’s neck, so no loss there either. I’d call that a success.