Happy List

Sometimes when life starts handing me lemons, I like to make a list of the recipes for lemonade coming my way. In the midst of the dark parts, I know that God has given me a bright and beautiful life. In times like now, when I'm avoiding dealing with my friend's terminal breast cancer, I like to think ahead to the blessings that God has in store for me, and the ways that I can suck the marrow out of life. Which, to be honest, I suppose is a lesson to be learned from my friend. She has fought hard for so long, and she has a husband and young son that have been fighting with her. I want to be a fighter. Because the truth is that we don't know how much time we have. We like to think that we're invincible and that things like fires and earthquakes and cancer only happen to other people. The reality is that we might be those other people. I was ten the first time someone I was close to passed away; three close relatives died within a couple of years. The cycle has continued for most of my life. Cancer has touched, and sometimes claimed, too many of my loved ones to count. I think this time it is hitting closer to home, probably because she is closer to my age than anyone else I've lost to disease. I've known peers that have passed away from suffocation in a hammock, car accidents, and other sudden incidents. I once had a student die from parasites in his brain. There is no question, then, why I sometimes perseverate on death. The birth of Benjamin changed the game for me, though. Until he came I was always afraid of other people dying. Now I'm actually afraid of dying myself. My friend has a seven-year-old son. I don't want Ben to grow up without a mom.

I know this is getting morbid, so I'll get to the point. Essentially I'm learning to live my life. I mean really live it. To love, to play, and to go on adventures, both big and small. Because God made a big world that begs to be seen, and he's giving me all this time that should never be wasted. So while my silly little "what I'm looking forward to" lists are a way to escape and avoid my present pain, they're also a goal. A goal to suck all the marrow out of life that I can and live like I'm dying (thanks to Henry David Thoreau and Kris Allen for the platitudes).

Things I Can't Wait For...

1. Eventually, if all the stars align, Ben stops getting sick, and people stop inviting us to things, going to Big Bear and/or Lake Arrowhead for a few days.
2. Spring Break! Time with my boys.
3. Easter. I love Good Friday, Easter, and the promise of new life and hope that they bring.
4. My besties Erin and Shelli's weddings. I'm so excited that they've both found the loves of their lives and that they've asked me to be a part of their special days.
5. Ben's sweetheart Delaney's first birthday party. I love that little girl like a fat kid loves cake.
6. Hosting my book club. It's my first time hosting, and I'm nervous and excited. I know, I know, it's no big deal. Except that it is because I have to make Japanese food.
7. Summer! I can't wait to spend every day with my little McNugget. All these weekends are a big tease, and I can't wait until we go gallivanting around Orange County together.
8. The First Annual Miller Family Vacation. Because I'm a teacher and therefore don't get floating vacation days (let's be fair...I get four weeks of paid vacation per year as well as summers), most of our vacations fall during holidays. Because we don't have piles of money, most of our holidays and traveling are spent in northern California with Matt's family because we want to take every chance we get to see them, which is, sadly, not very often. While we love that, we've also been jonesing for a vacation with just our little nuclear family, and to somewhere other than the Sacramento area. So this summer we're going to stop up there for a couple of days then head into the Yosemite area just us three. I could not be more excited.
9. Family Visit. In April some of Matt's family will be down visiting for a whole week! We're very excited about this, as we get the double bonus of seeing them and also being able to do it and to still pay rent. A special bonus this time is that Matt's sister, brother-in-law, and niece are coming down for the first time since our wedding. We're super excited about Ben and Fynley getting to play together, as well as going to Disneyland and pal-ing around with other adults there.


So there's my wish list...here's to a better spring than winter in 2010.

Meredith Syndrome

I've been feeling pretty dark and twisty, a la Meredith Grey, for the last week-ish, culminating in my embarrassing public breakdown yesterday. Last night one of my besties came over to watch our high-maintenance munchkin so that the hubs and I could go on a date. While I was grateful for the opportunity to get away and hopefully de-stress, honestly, I was probably a major dud. I was exhausted, sad, and overwhelmed. Disneyland was the obvious choice. About half-way through the evening I started to perk up a little. But we cut the night relatively short because I could barely keep my eyes open. We got to the tram just in time for some live entertainment.

I asked Matt to be on Benjamin duty for the night. If Ben woke up coughing or crying, I would simply beat the crap out of Matt until he woke up and took care of the sweet little man.

Ben did not wake up.

I have a love/hate relationship with this fact. I'm so excited that Ben finally slept. I hope it is the new norm. But I'm bitter that it happened on Matt's night. So just to be clear--Matt's on duty forever now.

While I did get a long night's sleep, I still awoke this morning feeling awful. Emotionally, mentally, physically awful. So after we went out to breakfast and my funk was persisting, I asked my sweet hubby, since he would be playing at church for most of the weekend and I would be flying solo with McWheezy, if he would take care of Ben for the morning while I curled up in bed and slept and read. He happily obliged. So I spent my morning doing just that--I read my mindless entertainment magazine, slept for a half an hour, and got started on my book club book. We had lunch together then I holed up once more until Ben went down for his nap. Then I watched a stupid romantic comedy. Then Ben woke up. 90 minutes before he normally does. Right when Matt needed to leave for church. I fought back the panic. I wasn't ready yet. I could still barely move and I was still fighting back un-instigated tears. But press on I must. This is motherhood. Taking care of your child when you can barely prop yourself up.


So that's what I did. Ben watched Sesame Street while I slept next to him on the couch. We went outside and played during a rare calm moment (it's been a torrential downpour for most of the day). We did his breathing treatment. We had dinner then played. Well, he played. I sat in a half coma on the floor, the couch, or the chair in whatever room he happened to want to be in and made sure he didn't eat anything poisonous. It was not my finest hour, but hey, I was impressed with the fact that I stayed awake and functioned at all.

The fresh air, however, was nice, however short. The boy is sleeping for the moment, and I plan to curl up with my book once more, possibly scrounge up some vino, and go to bed early. Matt will be at church all morning, so I'm going to need to somehow pull out of whatever hole I've landed myself in by then. Fortunately today was our last day of treatment, so tomorrow no more prednisone (or, as Matt and I affectionately call it, "Hulk Juice") and albeuterol treatments, which will hopefully mean Squeaky McCrazy will no longer be launching himself from the couch and throwing his toys across the room with his teeth.

Cheers (or, as Ben says "cheese")...

How to Win Teacher of the Year...

...in just 10 easy steps.

1. Give birth a month early so that your child is set for a host of health problems that rob you of sleep.

2. Marry a man that sleeps like the dead so that when night wakings occur you are the only one not in a coma, and therefore the only one available to hold your coughing, screaming child night after night.

3. Use up all your sick days before February ends so that you're buried in a mountain of work to be graded that haunts you all day, every day.

4. If your child wakes up at 5:15am and doesn't go back to sleep, forget to eat breakfast or pack a lunch. That way you can grab a quick, disgusting breakfast from a fast food restaurant.

5. When a co-worker offers you a pamphlet on acupuncture and a testimonial for asthma patients, break down in tears (in front of a number of co-workers) and sob hysterically.

6. Make your way to your classroom where you can cry it out in peace, then don't close your door all the way so that your students walk in on you bawling your dramatic head off.

7. Go to the teacher next door and choke out "I need a video" then, of course, cry some more. Because you literally have no control over your emotions at this point.

8. Let your kids watch The Sword in the Stone all day while you clean out your desk in the corner.

9. When your principal comes in during aforementioned non-school-approved film to see if you know that your co-worker/friend that has cancer will most likely not live to see Easter, start to cry again. Before she even gets a chance to talk about the terminal cancer.

10. When a student asks if you can fast-forward through the opening credits, tell him to go outside, then forget he's there. All period.


I believe this is the assistance you've been looking for in your quest to becoming a super-star. It helps if you do these things during a budget crisis when every teacher in your state is in danger of losing their job. That way you can feel secure that your job is in no way in jeopardy because you're emotionally unstable.


You're Welcome.

Why One Needs to Keep the iPod Charged

If you do not charge your iPod, the battery will die, and you will be forced to listen to the radio. If you have to listen to the radio, you will be inflicted with songs like this every time you get in the car:

She's nothing like a girl you've ever seen before
Nothing you can compare to your neighbourhood hoe
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful
The way that booty movin I can't take no more
Have to stop what i'm doin so I can pull up close
I'm tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful

Dam girl
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
A sexy bitch
Dam you'se a sexy bitch
Dam girl

Sir, I do not think you achieved your goal of finding a way to describe her without being disrespectful.

Lesson of the week: charge your iPod.

The Best Part of Waking Up

6:45 pm: breathing treatment for B
7:00: bath time
7:30: bed time for B
8:30: B up coughing
9:15: round of meds, back to bed
10:45: bed time for Matt and Shannon
4:15am: B wakes up coughing and wheezing
4:30: breathing treatment, round of meds
4:45-5:30: B attempts to have playtime because albeuterol makes him hyper; Matt and Shannon
take turns attempting to get him back to sleep
5:30: Matt repeats bedtime routine to trick him
5:40: B in bed
5:50: alarm goes off
6:00: coffee is on

Bring on the seventh graders.

Sick Baby with a Side of Motherhood Rant

So our little guy has been coughing all week. He hasn't had any other symptoms, just a nasty cough that just keeps getting nastier. Yesterday evening he started wheezing. Sigh. Back to the doctor we go.

My brother and I have both had asthma, although different variations of it, so I'm very familiar with that squeaky whistling sound. I'm out of sick days, and notwithstanding the coughing, Ben's actually been acting very much himself. But still, wheezing is never good. So I sadly made an afternoon appointment for him. My assistant principal babysat my eighth graders for the last ten minutes of school while I dashed home to make it to the appointment on time. While Ben had apparently had a pretty good day, he'd just woken up from his nap coughing like crazy. His pediatrician sighed sadly when she saw us. She could hear him wheezing from across the room. She reiterated what I've mentioned--not really any other symptoms, just the cough and the wheezing. He's had a host of viral infections over the last few months, any one of which (including a recent outbreak of RSV at my school) could have caused bronchitis and whatnot. He's never had asthmatic or allergic symptoms before, so we were both puzzled. So she gave him a breathing treatment to see how he'd do. The wheezing abated, though not completely, so she gave him another. He was actually a champ. He had a few treatments in the hospital when he had pneumonia, and I think his two hospital rounds and whatnot have made him a lot less wary of just about everything from the thermometer to the pulse-ox to the nebulizer. He got a little crabby, but otherwise he took it like a man. After the second treatment, he was still wheezing, though not nearly as bad. So she gave him prescriptions for prednesone and albeuterol for a five-day treatment. If he responds and does great, then he probably has "bronchiolitic wheezing" (like asthma, only for babies, which he would most likely grow out of). If he develops any new symptoms, he probably has bronchiolitis (baby bronchitis) caused by RSV.

I texted a very small handful of people who had known about his coughing week to let them know the "diagnosis." Soon I got a return text about milk causing asthma and whatnot. So I googled it when I got home. Typing in "asthma and milk" brought me a host of holistic healing websites and vitriolic blogs talking about how research proves that milk causes asthma, so STOP GIVING YOUR CHILD MILK RIGHT NOW, AND DON'T PUMP THEIR BODIES FULL OF POISONOUS MEDICINE. I also ran across a fair quantity of websites that intimated that it is unusual and rare for dairy to cause asthma. Most websites (with the exception of the granola ones) stated that there are a multitude of things that could cause asthma and/or wheezing, including but not limited to: pet dander, pollen, underdeveloped/immature lungs, viruses, food allergies, and cockroaches.

I know a lot of people that swear by chiropractics, herbal concoctions, and acupuncture. I know a number of people that treat every illness with a change in diet. Many of those people felt free to hand me their agenda when Ben was in the hospital with pneumonia. And maybe they're right. Maybe if I spend a trillion dollars on chiropractors, herbal concoctions, acupuncture, and gluten-free dairy-free vegan organic food Ben will stop wheezing forever. Maybe he won't. Maybe he's wheezing because he's had more viruses in the last few months than the real housewives of Orange County have had boob jobs. Maybe it's the cockroaches.

Bottom line: motherhood is hard enough without the guilt. I feel like no matter where you're standing, someone is ready to tell you how you're doing it wrong. Whether people are telling you you're endangering your baby because you're risking a home birth, or whether they're accusing you of poisoning your child with albeuterol. Stay-at-home-moms get abused for "not working" and "just" being a mom. Working moms get abused for abandoning their children. "Breast is best," so if you formula feed your a bad mom. If you vaccinate, your kid will be autistic. If you don't he will die of polio. If you let your kid watch TV ever, you're negligent and a bad mom. If you never let him watch TV ever, you're uptight and a bad mom. You can't win if you home-school, private school, or public school. If you spank you're abusive, if you don't you're too permissive. No matter what you do, the world stands in judgment of your parenting.

So here's the deal. Please pray for our little boy. Please pray for wisdom in Matt, myself, and Dr. Carr to get to the bottom of all this. My kid is everlastingly sick, and I'm trying as hard as I can to figure it out so he can get better. I don't need to be fed guilt trips because I'm using modern medicine. I'm all about going natural whenever I can, including now. He's got his homeopathic cough syrup, his eucalyptus chest rub, and his lavender and eucalyptus oils in the vaporizor. But I'm also going to give him a breathing treatment every four hours like I was told because I want him to breath, and if he stops breathing I don't have time to cut out milk to see what happens. And to be quite honest, the granola remedies haven't been doing much. A few friends told me the oils in the vaporizer worked like magic for their kids; last night Ben woke up three times coughing like crazy while it was on. He woke up twice during the rest of the night while it was off. I gave Ben the cough syrup a little over an hour ago, and he's currently coughing his poor lungs out as we speak.

Sigh. Rant done. The good: Ben is happy as can be. He is cute as all get-out. He will be okay.

Giving Elmo a breathing treatment


Watching Elmo while he gets his own breathing treatment

Random Pictures of the Week

He took all of his pals (and some blankets) one by one and stuffed them under my chin.

Then I took all of those pals, loaded them into a basket, and dumped them on top of him.

hanging by the fountain eating our serendipitously free Auntie Annie's pretzels.

Walking through the koi pond.

He collected all of the blue bird stuffed animals then sat on stage with them.

He collected all of the Sesame Street stuffed animals, put them in a pile, then hugged them.

coffee and scone time

19 Months and Counting

Valentime's Day

Matthew decided he's going to call Valentine's Day "Valentime's Day"; you know, like you said when you were a kid. Now he's 31.

We started Valentime's Day nice and slow; perfect Sunday pace. We went to Costco, played at the park, then had a rowdy afternoon when Ben only slept for an hour. Ben also got to run around for a few minutes with his mini-love. In the evening Matt and I had a much needed date night, complete with a movie. I don't even remember the last movie we saw in the theater. Inglorious Basterds?

Happy Valentimes Day to my Big Love and my Little Love. You complete me.

What Comes Before Part B?

Part A (as in partay...like party, but more fun...it's from Scrubs).

Our pals Steve and Karen have little get-togethers at their house fairly frequently, which we love, because we love our friends. We also love their daughter Delaney, whom I almost took home with me when they weren't looking. Last night she and Ben had a little snack date. It was pretty cute. Benjamin also served everyone tea and tickled them, which is just about the cutest thing you've ever seen because he tickles you with his tiny little fingers and says "tickle tickle tickle" in a thick German accent. I love him.

Anyway, we had a blast. Now we're just hoping that Benjamin doesn't end up with sweet Delaney's cold...

Hometown Tourists: Mason Park

Yesterday we continued our celebration of presidents (I believe I have them to thank for my four day weekend) with a trip to Mason Park in Irvine. I went to this park last summer during August Adventures, but we didn't get to spend very much time there. So my boys and I went back yesterday. I was underwhelmed. Maybe it's the whole park in the winter thing, or maybe it's because everything was damp and muddy after the rain earlier in the week. Or maybe it's because the park isn't that great. Who knows? I mean, it's a nice park. But I feel like I keep branching out to find new, great parks but I keep going back to our old favorite, Tewinkle. At any rate, we still had a good time, despite the mud and whatnot. Ben is happy any time there is dirt, so there you go. He's a more generous critic than I.
















The best part: the old guys that come with their beers and play with their toy sailboats.