Po-ta-to, Po-tah-to

I had an interesting little conversation with a friend the other day about motherhood. On facebook she posted a link to an article about breastfeeding. She then commented and cited a statistic, something like only 17% of American women breastfeed for at least 6 months, and she said that statistic was pathetic. A few commented "I know," a few reacted more adversely. One woman even de-friended her. My friend felt slighted, and she said something to the effect of people never growing out of junior high. I think the woman in question overreacted, but I also think I can understand where the reaction came from. I breastfed, but I also do/did all kinds of things that put me up on the Motherhood Judgment Stand. I work outside the home. I don't stay at home with my son. And I have to say that while I might not go around de-friending people, if someone mentioned that only 17% of American women are stay-at-home moms and that that was pathetic, I would react.

While I could justify being a working mom until I'm blue in the face, the fact is I shouldn't have to. I shouldn't have to defend my right to feed and clothe my child. And no mother should have to explain to all who stand in judgment over her decision to formula-feed. Shouldn't moms be more of a support group than an inquisition? Isn't parenting hard enough without having to put together your curriculum vitae for a host of insecure and judgy people who need to throw you under the bus in order to feel superior?

But there's something else in this. My friend, despite her probable hasty choice in vocabulary with "pathetic," was not standing in judgment over moms who can't or choose not to breastfeed. She was mourning the lack of education and help that's out there. And probably, yes, some poor decision-making. But the percentage was what she thought was pathetic, not formula itself. Regardless, she apologized to her friend for offending her, tried to make things right, and the woman still cut the cord.

This is where that something else comes in. I have a lot of friends who parent differently than I do. A large majority of my mom friends stay at home. A small percentage of those women give me that look. The rest of them have never made an issue out of it. But I still felt this defensiveness, this guilt. This constant need to make sure everyone understands that if I could stay home, I would, that I'm doing what I feel is best for my son, and that I'm a good mom. And it's not just with the working/stay-at-home mom business. It's everything. Hospital vs. home birth, epidural vs. no epidural, home-made babyfood vs. jars, organic vs. processed, breast vs. formula, TV vs. no TV, treats vs. healthy food only, toys vs. no toys, pacifiers vs. thumb sucking vs. nothing...the list could go on and on forever. Most of the time I find myself somewhere in the middle. But that's not really the point, is it? The point is that sure, there are going to be plenty of people who judge you for any (and sometimes every) parenting decision you make. Whether it's making a face or a passive-aggressive comment when you register for bottles or a full-on confrontational comment when you hand your kid a cookie, people go out of their way to make sure you know you're making the wrong decision for your child. But is that really the only thing that makes us feel The Guilt? Other people's self-righteous opinions? Or do we do it to ourselves?

I'll be honest...I've often felt defensive when I'm not even goaded. When I hear of a mom buying raw, organic milk for her baby because it's better, there's a little voice inside my head that shouts "I'm not a bad mom because I buy milk from the grocery store!" Then there's a 10 minute monologue that happens internally, ranting about my lack of time, money, and energy, at least I buy organic milk from Henry's, blah blah blah. Sure, I've had a friend outright tell me not to vaccinate my kid because her son is autistic because of it. But I have almost the same internal response when someone mentions in conversation that they're anti-vaccination. I want to defend myself mightily and stand up on a soapbox, when in reality I'm not that passionate for or against, I'm just insecure and I resent the implication that I'm a bad mom (even if that implication is only imaginary). I'm probably not making a lot of sense, and I'm probably the only person who deals with this. Except that I don't think I am.

If we're honest, mamas, we judge ourselves just as often as others judge us, with or without provocation. Because at the end of the day we want what's best for our kids, and there are plenty of moments where we're a bit self-doubting and insecure. Or maybe that's just me.

Either way, I want that to change. I want to stop playing the compare/contrast game. I've spent a good chunk of my life feeling insecure, and I want to feel confident in my mothering. Sure, I often do. But in those moments when I give Ben a cupcake at a birthday party and the mom next to me doesn't give her kid one, I'm going to choose to not care. I'm going to watch my little man devour his processed sugar, run around like a crazy person, then crash, knowing that a little sweet treat on occasion will make his life better, not worse.

At least, that's my intention. Maybe I'll just de-friend that crunchy hippy mom next to me.