Today is hard. Really really hard. And not just the I-have-two-kids-and-one-of-them-is-a-newborn hard. Life hard.
Last night I got up with Emma at 1:00 am for a feeding. As I sat down to nurse her, Ben came stumbling into the living room, saying he had to go potty. I told him to just go. He stumbled into the bathroom as I fired up my iPod to make my moves on Words With Friends and check facebook. As I scrolled through the "omg that movie is awesome" and "I really want a bagel" posts, I noticed a lot of people telling a friend they were so sorry and were praying for him. My heart started pounding. I went from page to page trying to find confirmation of what I'd had a sinking feeling of lately, and the more frantically I searched the more tears fell, until I found it. My sweet and beautiful friend lost her 13 year battle with breast cancer. At that moment Emma pulled away crying, milk sprayed everywhere (sorry for the visual, guys), and I realized that Ben had been quiet in the bathroom for a long time. The next ten minutes were spent in a fuzzy haze of cleaning up, re-dressing the little boy crying about the monsters in his bedroom, shushing the baby girl crying in pain, and wiping the tears of an indescribable pain and brokenness of my own. When the boy was in bed and the baby asleep in my arms, I let the tears fall freely. I held my little girl tightly as I sobbed. Then I pulled myself together, put her in her car seat, and went to bed, because she'd wake up in a couple of hours and I needed sleep. I didn't, of course...but I tried. And I tried to stave off the selfish sadness, because she fought hard for 13 years, and now she is at peace. And I need to be a mom first, a grieving friend second. Still...it hurts like hell.
Angela was an extraordinary human being. She was an incredible wife to her husband, mother to her five boys, and friend to all. She loved and served God fiercely and wholly. She was compassionate, generous, intelligent, kind, and selfless. She was everything I want and strive to be, and I am a better person for knowing her. I am grateful to have called her friend.
I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life...to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. ~Henry David Thoreau
1 comment:
She sounds like a wonderful woman. I hope that when it's my time similar words would be spoken about me. I'm sorry you're dealing with this grief right now. I pray that God would give you the peace and comfort that you need.
Also, you don't grieve like those who have no hope. You know that she is with Jesus...not just in peace, but without pain or fear or suffering or regrets or sorrow.
Be encouraged, my friend.
Love you.
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