Lessons for Preschool

Dear Benjamin,

I'm so excited for you to start preschool in a couple of weeks. Not for my own sake, of course--this new chapter of your life is causing an inappropriately emotional and dramatic reaction in me. But I'm excited for your sake. School is wonderful, and I know you'll succeed. Here are a few tips to help you out.


It's okay if you have a potty accident--it happens. But probably try not to on the first day. You'll want to make a good impression and get a good Indian name (although there's a good chance they don't do those anymore because they're probably racist...but just in case). You don't want to be stuck with Pees His Pants.

Always say please and thank you. People are much more willing to do things for you if you ask politely. They will also like you more, and you will be their favorite. Not that that's important or anything. But good manners will take you far, sweet son.

Share. I know it's hard for you, but generosity is an admirable attribute. And the Bible says that God loves a cheerful giver; so if the teacher has to pry the toy out of your Vulcan death grip while you scream, that doesn't count as sharing. It has to be voluntary. If you are a cheerful giver, people will want to play with you, which is good because you never want to be the last kid picked for dodge-ball. Trust me there.

Be yourself. You are an incredible kid. Don't be shy; let everyone see how amazing you are. Then you will never have to ask someone if they like you or not, because you will always know and you will never care.

If you see another kid sitting alone, go and play with him or her.

Please take a nap during nap time. (Okay, this one is really more for my benefit than yours--you're really unpleasant when you don't nap.)

Dance, sing, and play your heart out. Don't worry about what the other kids think. And do those samurai moves of yours--the other kids will really like that.

When you see someone crying, comfort them with a hug.

Follow directions. Go ahead and be your crazy and energetic self, but reign it in and be a good listener when it's time for learning. They know your mom is a teacher, so they will judge me extra harshly if you don't. And I don't need that kind of stress.

I know how much you love "Teenage Dream." But please don't sing it at school. Again, I don't need the judgement.

Don't pick your nose or stick your hand down your pants. You don't want to be that kid.

Eat the food that's given to you. I don't know how you've managed to continue to grow despite your constant refusal to eat. But seriously--you need to eat, and it hurts people's feelings when you call their food gross. So if they give you food, you need to eat it.

Don't be rude or disrespectful. I don't care if you can't manage to learn anything, you suck at crafts, or whatever. But never be rude or disrespectful. Ever. It is the worst School Sin that can be committed.

Finally, have fun. Make friends, play, learn, and enjoy yourself. School is wonderful if you let it be, and I want you to love it. Because, again, your mom is a teacher. Anything but a passionate love for learning and academics is unacceptable. Just kidding. Maybe. No, I'm totally kidding. You can do and be anything you want to be, and it's okay if you hate school. But you have to go anyway. Because it's the law, and because it's awesome and cheaper than daycare.


I love you, my big preschool-er! You're going to be great!