Sleepwalking

Today was not my best day. By no means was it my worst...but it was definitely not one of my favorites.

I think it actually started last night. I had this horrible dream about Ben. So when I woke up from that, I had a really hard time getting this image out of my head and getting back to sleep. When I woke up in the morning, I was still a little raw from the dream (and the awful image) and still really tired. The rest of the day went fine, I suppose. Nothing really bad happened...I was just in a funk. Have you ever had one of those days where you're just in a daze, and you feel out of touch with everything? That's how it was all day. For some reason I felt...I don't know...disconnected, I guess. Almost like I was watching rather than participating. Like it wasn't really my life, and I wasn't really awake for it. I don't know how to explain it.

The afternoon did get a little rough. Sometimes on the weekends Ben isn't the best napper. Part of it might be his new separation anxiety thing...he can't be out of my arms for more than 10 seconds without melting down--even to nap, apparently. So this afternoon he only slept for about a half an hour (rather than the usual hour and a half). I was trying to nap myself (in an effort to get out of the funk). Matt had to go to church, so I got up to take care of the little needy guy. So for the rest of the afternoon he was grumpy and clingy. I failed at dinner...that's kind of been the theme of the week. My "homemade everything baby food" phase has taken a turn for the worst lately. So this afternoon, after a completely failed baked sweet potato and egg yoke (not together...two separate failures), I warmed up some frozen veggie puree and spooned out some applesauce. I then wrangled my eight month old Oscar the Grouch into some clothes for church and threw on whatever random clothes I could find for myself and headed to church (late--and with unbrushed teeth and hair, no make-up, and shoes that didn't match my Raggedy-Ann outfit..and did I mention I forgot to make dinner for myself?). I dropped Ben off in the nursery, knowing I would be paged probably before the message even started because Ben was in just as bad a funk as I was. The message was good, and, surprisingly, I never did get paged. But I was really distracted and, well, disconnected. After church we grabbed food, ate quickly, then put Ben to bed. It wasn't until he was asleep in his crib and I was settled onto the couch in my sweats that I began to feel like myself again. Not necessarily feeling good...but at least I felt like myself and not some zombie observing someone else's life.

Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow...