Weekend o' fun

So I have spent the last couple of weeks putting Ben on a bit of a schedule. Nothing rigid or soul-crushing--just something a little more predictable. While I love the idea of a "whatever" kind of day (or a "whatever" kind of life, for that matter), it doesn't really fit me. And I think it would be much better for my mom, who will be taking care of Ben when I go back to work (sigh). So....after several days of tears and dark circles under the eyes, Ben has settled into a nice routine. And then this weekend came. Admittedly, I was nervous. Again, while I'd like to be the kind of person who can do spontaneity, I'm not. I like to know what's coming, and I'm not a big fan of surprises. Just ask those who have attempted surprise parties and my sweet husband, who really learned my distaste for surprises when the stick (or four sticks, I should say) turned pink. See, Matt's parents have been trying to come down to see Ben since he was born, and for various reasons haven't been able to. They finally picked what was for them the perfect weekend, but for me was the day of my dear friend's wedding. They had already purchased plane tickets, so there was no rearranging. Sadly, I had to say good-bye to the wedding (and Ben's first real trip). To be honest, I was quite sad. I've known Kylee and her family since I was two. Her older brother and his wife had a baby a couple of days after Ben was born, and this weekend we were going to get together for the first time in a couple of years. I was, however, very excited about Matt's mom and step-dad finally getting to meet little B. With this excitement, though, came a great deal of anxiety. This would be the first time we'd have visitors for more than a couple of hours. I should also add that for some time feeding was, and to some extent still is, anxiety-provoking and arduous. I am a very modest and private person, so feeding him in public is not something I can see myself doing. On top of that, Ben does not feed like a civilized person, so public feeding would be anything but discrete, no matter what I would attempt. And since Matt's family would be here for twelve solid hours and Ben needs to eat every 2-3 hours--well, you see the difficultly I had. I was just imagining a day fully of me having to entertain (which I'm not good at) and Ben crying because I was a stress case and he was having trouble napping...in short, I was a bit terrified.

The day of course went better than I anticipated. It was hectic and a bit stressful, yes. But it was really nice to spend time with them, and Ben was so good. We went to breakfast, then came back to our place. I fed Ben (in his room while the fam hung out in the living room), then we played a little and went to Costco. Then we came home and I fed him again, then we played a little and went to lunch. The afternoon was nice and relaxing. I fed Ben, then we took a family nap and just hung out. We topped off our day with a nice dinner, and then we dropped Matt's parents off at the airport. It was a good day, and we wish we could have had more time. But we were blessed to have had the time that we did, so we are grateful. And I'm super thankful that Ben was such a champ. He was really social, and he fed and napped just fine. :)


Today was also quite nice. We had a nice relaxing morning. Ben played in his new Baby Einstein gym that his Grammy and Grandpa Carl got him. He loves it, which is fun and entertaining.

After our laid back morning we had some more visitors. Our friends Andrew and Elise came with their kids Jack and Annabelle. They hung out for about an hour, and Ben was, again, wonderful. He smiled and played, and the kids were really sweet to him.


After they left, Ben took a nice long nap while Matt and I watched Grey's Anatomy Season 4 (hey, everyone deserves a guilty pleasure). Ben woke up and we fed him and played for a while, then we had family nap time. We topped off our day with pizza and Mythbusters, followed by a little walk.



All in all, it was a wonderful weekend. We were way more active and social than we have been hitherto (isn't it great when you can use words like that?). I was really nervous about that--again, I have this neurosis that makes me afraid of change and failure. But I'm finding that as the days go by, my fears and feelings of inadequacy as a mother are slowly, albeit molasses slowly, abating. I know that I will probably never feel completely comfortable in my new shoes (and socks, and pants, and shirt). I will probably always feel some twinge of guilt or fear or anxiety. But I know that God did not bring this happy little surprise named Benjamin only to let me fail. It's going to be hard, and sometimes even terrifying (not unlike this weekend). But I know that we'll be just fine. And someday I will feel more confident. Someday I will feel like myself again. Until that day, I will do my best to relish the journey.