Can I do it?

So this is it. The dreaded (maybe?) day has come. Tomorrow I return to work.

There is so much I could say about this, probably all of it predictable. When I wake up in the morning, I'm supposed to wake up no longer as Shannon but as Superwoman. I'm supposed to do everything I've been doing for the last 10 1/2 weeks AND teach full time. I'm supposed to don one more hat. According to my calculations, this is a summary of the expectations: As supermom, I care for and nurture my son. As superhomemaker I do the laundry, cook healthy foods, and clean (all with organic, good for the environment products). As superwife I dote on, support, and serve my husband. As superteacher I impart knowledge in a fun, challenging way that engages all students and individualizes instruction for each learner. As supercoworker I chat with, serve, and support my fellow teachers and staff members. As superdaughter I love, serve, and support my parents. As superwoman I wear stylish clothes, do my makeup and hair every day, and weigh less than 130 pounds. As superfriend I love, support, and serve all of my friends. As supercitizen I stay current on national and world events, eat healthy, be friendly to all, and "go green." As superchristian I spend lots of time in prayer and Bible study throughout the day and volunteer at my church. And I do all of these things with a smile on my face and with great alacrity.

Who in all of creation can do all of this?

Back before two pink lines appeared on the stick, Matt and I were going to wait a few years to have kids. I was going to work for a while, and we were going to save money, pay off debt, and get to a place (or as close as possible) where I could stay at home with our kids until they went to school. And then God said "um, no." I love my new son. I love this new part of my life, this new part of me. I love it all so much, in fact, that I'm struggling with going back to that other part of me. I love teaching. I've worked long and hard to become a teacher. And, as previously discussed, I need that part of me that is seperate from Ben, that outlet of "self." And so I'm conflicted. At this point, going back to work is a must. If I don't, we can't afford to live in our cheap apartment, eat, or put diapers on Ben. Additionally, I'm only in my second year of teaching. I have to teach for two more years in order to have my clear credential. Otherwise I lose it and I have to start over.

I'm fighting this struggle on multiple fronts. In going back to work, I feel like I'm cutting out this piece of myself. But if I didn't go back, I would probably still feel that. In going back to work, I'm inviting judgement from many who believe that working mom=negligent and seflish mom. But if I didn't go back, I would be inviting judgement from many who believe that "mom" is not job enough. I typically don't care about what society thinks of me. But I do care about my heart. And right now, it's a little broken. And I'm a little nervous about my abilities to "do it all." I might be able to squeeze all of the responsibilities in. But I'm not sure about the smiles and alacrity part. So I'll try to be and do everything. But at what cost? I get all the papers graded, but I'm impatient with my students? I get all the cooking and cleaning done, but I become an over-tired and resentful wife?

Lord, please help me do this. Please help me to be everything I need to be, learn where and when to make sacrifices, and do it with a joyful and grateful heart. Dry the tears I know will fall tomorrow morning when I get in my car. Give me the strength and desire to wear every hat and do it well.