Happy Face List

This blog has been a big, fat downer lately. Let's just be honest. But you know what? Sometimes life is a downer.

After dragging myself around the house most of yesterday morning, and nearly losing it when Emma took a 15 minute morning nap, I decided it was time to buck up. So what if my legs felt like jello? So what if I was struggling to keep my eyes open? It was only 11:00! I would never make it to 4:30 (when Matt comes home) in my zombie state. And I would never make it through the next ___________ (length of time that Emma will be such a time/energy suck) harping on how crappy I felt. I can't change any of it. This is my life. This is the way it is. Wishing for a baby I don't have is a waste of time. Wishing for sleep I can't get is a waste of time. Time to suck it up and walk on.

To McDonald's. That's what we did. We took a walk to McDonald's for lunch. Because it was a lovely day, it was lunch time, I didn't feel like making anything, McDonald's is across the street, and I needed to get out of the house and get some fresh air. And Ben needed to burn off some energy. So we walked to McDonald's to eat crap and play in the germy, dangerous playground. And it was awesome.

The kids napped at the same time in the afternoon (only for an hour, but still--an hour is an hour), so I managed to squeeze in some "laying on the couch with my eyes closed" time. I had even started to drift off to sleep when the mailman came and ruined it. But it's okay, because that hour of quiet time was better than nothing. The kids woke up, we cuddled and played, Matt came home, I managed to get the house pretty picked up (including putting some pesky boxes in the garage...those have been driving me bonkers!). We went outside and played with the new neighbors while Matt made dinner, ate dinner, played as a family, and put everyone to bed, tear-free.

Emma had a medium night last night (went to bed fine, woke up at 11:20, fussed until 12:30, fell back asleep, woke up at 2:30, nursed briefly then fell back asleep, woke up at 5:15 with tummy troubles, fell back asleep fairly quickly with some gripe water and cuddles, slept until 7:00). I woke up with Ben's nasty cold. But I will not let the sickness and exhaustion get me!

Today's #febphotoaday is "Makes you happy." I may take a bunch of pictures today, just to remind myself of all the lovelies that are in my life. Here are some of the Goods...

• Many friends have rallied to help me find temporary child care for Emma until the babysitter gets better. I'm moved, touched, grateful, and all other good feelings.
• My husband is extraordinary.
• My children are sweet and beautiful. The other day when Emma started coughing in the car, Ben reached over and held her hand. Precious.
• Emma is desperately trying to crawl, and I'm positive she will soon succeed. She can get herself down on her belly from sitting and somehow manage to kind of army "scoot". She can also propel herself backwards across the room on her butt.
• Ben is the funniest kid I've ever known.
• I'm in love with our pediatrician. She is incredible. She (and the entire staff of the Kaiser Pediatrics department) is dedicated to finding answers, and she also doubles as my therapist. Those of you who rise up in fury against Kaiser and "socialized medicine" should meet her. Also, I can't argue with the ability to go into radiology, get a chest x-ray, then go upstairs to look at it with the doctor, all without an appointment and spending maybe 15 minutes waiting in lines and waiting rooms. She also gives me free formula samples.
• I'm on day two of a (now) four-day weekend. Which means I have time to rest, re-group, and process without the stress of working at the same time. Grateful.

Just to remind us all of how beautiful my children are (as if you could forget), here are some pics from a Valentine's shoot I did with the kiddos.

 

In the Light of Day

Wow. I post what I think is certainly a big Pity, Party of One rant about my lame day, and all of Christendom has arrived to help. This morning I woke up to a half dozen facebook posts and text messages from friends offering to help, as well as status updates to their friends asking for help. I am deeply moved and touched by the response of our "extended family."

In the midst of the outpouring of offers to help, though, I am in a bit of a conundrum. Everyone is eager to help and wants to know what they can do, and I honestly can't think of anything. The things that we need most are, unfortunately, not really things that human beings are in a position to provide. I desperately need sleep. I need to be a stay-at-home mom so I can focus on caring for her, but I also need to be a working mom so I can take breaks. This probably sounds stupid, but in those brief spans of time where, by some miracle of God, both children are sleeping, I generally end up sleeping too, but it really is a difficult decision for me. Because it means that I honestly never get to do something I enjoy. I have to choose between cleaning, sleeping, and doing Fun Time (reading, knitting, watching TV, etc.). I miss doing those things. I need to be able to do those things occasionally so I feel human. I need answers to Emma's struggles. I need her to feel better. I need Ben to have not woken up sick this morning so I could have taken him to preschool and focused on caring for Emma and getting some rest. I need Emma to stop coughing so she can sleep. I need her to not be so crabby from sleep deprivation so I can actually put her down and do something. I need for Emma to have actually taken a morning nap, not just snooze for 15 minutes then wake up coughing, unable to fall back asleep. I need today to go in a much different direction than it seems to be heading. I need to not be an introvert with stranger anxiety so that I'm not so overwhelmed with now needing to respond to and manage all of the amazing offers of assistance.

But I can't change any of those things. And none of those are really things that anyone can make happen.

Just to help the Helpers, I will give you about half of my ridiculous To-Do List. The rest are non-essentials that I would like to accomplish in the not too distant future, so I am omitting those. If you feel like you can do any of these things, or watch the kids so that I can, let me know.

I'm home today, and I have Monday off from work. I have a nice, long weekend to process and figure things out, and wait to see what's going to happen with the babysitter with the broken arm. This is a good thing.

• call insurance re: car accident (a woman backed into me in the parking lot at B's school last week. We were all fine--but the car has some minor needs)
  
• mail the box taking up my living room
  
• put box of Christmas stuff in the garage
• buy 10 ' internet cable for my classroom
• upload pics to Costco
• order prints for frames, including B & E's 1st year
• order prints in general
• build Ikea closet thing
• replace car battery
• get front passenger leak checked out/fixed
• sort/box/bag B & E's old clothes & deliver
• clean/organize garage so we can actually park in it
• put up last set of lights in backyard
• taxes
• Dust, vacuum, and clean the bathrooms
• paint the house and put up the pictures/shelves/etc. that are littering the floors
• get pants for E

Some of these (the painting, the pictures, etc.) probably don't sound like needs as much as desires. But we moved a couple of months ago, and this place still isn't a home. It bothers me. I'm not comfortable in my house because it feels like we've been in transition for months. Anyway, they're not essential for survival, which is our current focus, so there you go.

One step at a time, right?

An Ugly Day

I'm actually not even sure what to say about today, other than I'm glad it's over. Except that it's not, really. To say that it's over would imply that I will soon go to bed, and that tomorrow will be a new and different day. But there aren't really tomorrows in this house. One day bleeds into the next in a fog of tears and seemingly never-ending struggles with our sweet little girl's baffling health issues. It's hard to tell which I dread more: the night, with its uncertainty--will she sleep? How many times will she wake up? How much crying will there be? What will the crying be about? The reflux? The constipation? The coughing? Another ear infection? Gas?--or the day, with its relentless cycle of "doing", all 24 hours performed in a near-constant state of sleep-deprived anxiety and desperation. But today...today needs to be over. The hits need to stop coming.

Last night we got very little sleep because Emma was up coughing half the night. I actually ended up "sleeping" on the couch with her for a couple of hours, because it was just easier than going into her room to get her every two minutes when she woke up in a coughing fit (I desperately wish that was an exaggeration). This morning Emma's babysitter called while I was on the way to her house to tell me she couldn't watch Emma today because she broke her arm. This resulted in a flurry of phone calls while driving, photo-copying and trying to drop off the other kid and start my work day. Matt left work, picked Emma up, and took her home to be with him for the day. After handing out the quiz, my students asked why I was giving them a quiz they took two weeks ago. Oops. The doctor emailed and said I should consider taking Emma in for an upper GI to look for obstructions, twisting, or any other intestinal issues. She also ordered a chest x-ray to check for atypically presenting pneumonia or aspiration pneumonia (from the reflux--stomach acid going up into the trachea and into the lungs). Also, I should consider weaning her and giving her special hypoallergenic formula, as she may be severely allergic to milk proteins. All new options and avenues to find answers to the question we've been grappling with for six and a half months: what all is wrong with Emma; why is she so miserable, and why can't she sleep?

After work I took her in for the chest x-ray. No pneumonia, which is good. But she is wheezing, so it's likely she has asthma (common in GERDy babies). She's on breathing treatments until the coughing is under control and she's sleeping. We're waiting to see how that goes before getting the upper GI. And I'm deciding if I want to pump and give her the billion dollar formula for three days to see if it helps. And I'll be home with her tomorrow since the babysitter is incapacitated. And I'll be trying to figure out what in the world I will do with her next week, and for a while thereafter, or whatever, for childcare. And somewhere in the middle I will do laundry, prepare meals, and attempt to manage my life.

This evening I resurrected the Colic Playlist on the iPod and put it on the speaker. As "Holocene" played on repeat and Emma began to calm and breathe normally, the tears fell freely down my cheeks.

I can do this, right?

Aliens, the North Pole, and Submarines

This weekend we went to a 1st birthday party. A couple of our friends were really excited to spend time with Ben because they wanted to hear him say all his funny things. Unfortunately, they didn't get much because his zingers usually happen when you're having a casual conversation with him. At a party he's too distracted playing. But our friends said if I ever think I post too many of Ben's witicisms, I am wrong. There can never be too many. But today...today was special. Too much for one status update. So here we have as much of our afternoon conversations that I could store in my head through the drive home.

When I went into B's classroom, the kids were on the carpet and the teacher was writing on the board their ideas about what they know about space. Upon seeing me come in...

Ben: I can't go yet because I have to say what's in space.
Me: Okay, well raise your hand and tell your teacher so we can go.
Teacher: Ben, what do you know about space?
Ben: Ummmmmm.............aliens.

As we walked outside and saw the backpacks, I noted that one of them was Caillou (Ben's current favorite show).

Ben: That's Sage's backpack. But not Shane. Shane already went home. He lives in the North Pole. Like Santa.

In the car...

Ben (singing): Row row row your boat, gently down the stream. Merry merry merry I'm a submarine.

and just randomly...

"You're just Mommy, not Shannon. And Daddy's not Matt, because he just needs to be Daddy."


Speaking of Daddy, we were talking about hair recently.

Me: What kind of hair does Dylan have?
B: Twisty hair.
Me: Do you have twisty hair?
B: No. I have straight hair.
Me: What kind of hair do I have?
B: Brown hair.
Me: What about Daddy?
B: Ummm.....Daddy needs some more hair.


Other recent one-liners...

"Do you have a move theater in your classroom?"

(referring to one of his ties, which he found under his bed) "This is the tie I used to wear to work."

"When you grow up and get bigger and bigger you turn into a robot."

(after accidentally popping his balloon) "I'll never be happy again."


There you have it, folks. The world according to Ben.

January, Part B

Remember that time I told you I had a long to-do list? Well, during an assembly at school the other day I brought a notepad and tried to write it all out. I felt like all day every day I was randomly thinking of things I needed to do, and I was thinking I should probably start writing them down because nothing, I mean nothing, was getting done. I guess that's another thing the iPhone would be handy for, isn't it? Like a To Do list app? Sigh. I will lose this battle. Anyhow, I took along a little notepad. I tried to separate out my "to-do's" into priority categories. When all was said and done, it came out to six pages.

Do you think the iPhone has an app that will actually do these things for you? Like a Personal Assistant App? Because that would be great.

The second half of January in photos, because who has time to write?

Little playmates. And aren't Ben's jammies cute? Has anyone seen them? I can't find them.

This photo was taken per Benjamin's request.

Not sure what's they're making, but I'm sure it was good.

Don't you just want to smooch those cheeks?

Can you tell he loves his sissy?

I made these! Go ahead. Bow down to me.

Mommy's little girl

He's getting pretty good at drawing, no?

Don't let this picture fool you. The sum total of minutes she has spent in her crib in her lifetime probably amounts to 30.

It's pretty hard to wait for cookies.

It rained! Once. For like 10 minutes.

It's all fun and games until you get busted for stealing toys from your baby sister.

Little People explosion.

yeah, I don't know

Awesome. That's it. Just awesome.

A Very Healthy Christmas

I would just like to say in my defense that it has not yet been a full year since Christmas. So this post isn't too tardy. Also, my life is complete chaos, all the time. So...I think you should stop complaining and feel pretty lucky this blog still exists.

Our Christmas, if I remember correctly, was fairly lovely. Christmas Eve was a bit of a flurry of busyness. We spent the better part of the day with my dad and his side of the family. Well, we spent a decent chunk of time in the car, then we spent time with my family. It was probably the biggest Christmas gathering we've had in quite a while. I got to see many of my cousins from that side, which is rare. Normally it's just my brother and I. We have the littlest kids, by a long shot. But there was a little boy there who was I think five or six, so Ben had a little pal. And Miss Emma just got passed around.

Once the kids started melting down, we hopped back in the car and headed back to our corner of the world, straight to church, which was not the plan, but whatever. The service was lovely. I think we may have had dinner at some point, but I'm not sure. Then we drank hot chocolate and opened our Christmas jammies, a new tradition. Too bad it was so late and we rushed through everything so we could get our overtired little ones to bed. But I took a picture the next morning, so there you go.

Christmas morning we opened a veritable Mt. Everest of gifts. Matt's family mailed all the kiddos' presents down, so there was a lot of loot. Ben was gracious enough to help Emma open and play with all of her presents. What a giver. The rest of the morning was spent playing and cooking.

That evening my mom and her side of the family came over. It was small but nice. I decided to start a new tradition (kind of inspired by my sister-in-law--thanks Becki!). I had everyone write down their favorite part of the year and what they were most looking forward to in the next year, and at dinner we all shared. Then we went to town on the presents. I had a little theme for gifts this year (at least for this group) of gifts that give back. The ladies got jewelry from 31 Bits (except my mom, who got Toms because that's what she wanted, and it worked with my theme anyway), and the gentlemen got hats from Krochet Kids. I was busy cooking and child-wrangling, so my brother's girlfriend (Dare I say future sister-in-law? No pressure or anything, J, but seriously...please marry her. Or whatever, it's up to you.), who is a photographer, took pictures. I took some too, but we're mostly going to focus on hers. She also gave me a bunch of filters for my camera and taught me how to use them. Have I mentioned yet that I like her? But no pressure.

So that's Christmas. Or at least what I remember. The best part? No one was sick. No ERs, no Urgent Care. Suck it, holiday plagues.