Please Don't Take My English Degree Away

I've been in a tantrum-y mood lately. Yesterday I found out that Google is killing Reader. I pitched a toddler-like fit. Yes, I know there are other readers. Blah blah blah I DON'T LIKE CHANGE. And I like that with Google I have everything--email, calendar, blogging, reading blogs, creating documents, getting driving directions, making dinner...but now that's OVER. Waaaaaa. My first world problems are SO HARD.

Today my tantrum is birthed of righteous indignation. It's about grammar. And before you get all judge-y, you should know that no one is as hard core about the preservation of our sacred (hybrid, ever-changing, bastardized) English language. I fly into fits of rage when people misuse homophones, and the switching of verb tenses within narratives makes me die inside. And when people say things like "Me and my mom went to the mall," I may or may not unfriend them.

So here's how today went down. I was reading Beowulf with my students. I was sitting in my rocking chair, the students were sprawled out on the floor, and we were just reading. It was delicious. Occasionally we'd pause and talk about Robert Nye's need to use a simile or alliteration twice per sentence, or talk about something meaningful like character or theme or symbolism or seriously how gross is Unferth. Our current grammar unit is verbals. So when I came across "jutting jaw," I paused to roll my eyes at the 986th use of alliteration in that paragraph, and to do a quick grammar tie-in. So I asked them what "jutting" was in that sentence. Blank stares. Like I just grew an extra head. A green one. I mentioned something about a verb ending in -ing acting like an adjective. "Ummmm....an adverb?" Sigh. No, guys. It's a participle. Remember? We've been talking about them for a week? Murmurs of "oooooh" and we moved on.

Then I was thinking about it on my way home. Thinking about participles and how teaching them is like beating my head against a wall, and why is that? That's when it occurred to me. Because they're hard. They're kind of confusing. And you know what else? So are transitive and intransitive verbs. And adverbial phrases.

Now, look. I'm really good at grammar. When I took Advanced Grammar as an English major in college (which, by the by, was when I learned about transitive and intransitive verbs) I was everyone's tutor. I'm a big dork. Grammar is the math of English, and I totally geek out over it. I have no problem understanding participles. But I'm 33, and I have a degree in English. My students are 12. They struggle with remembering to write their name on their papers. They write "u" for "you" in their essays (damn internet). So it's really hard for them. And you know what? I couldn't think of a single reason why they would need to know what a participle is. Or transitive and intransitive verbs. (I'm going to take a wild guess and say that unless you, too, have a degree in English and teach it, you probably don't know what they are either. It's okay. I forgive you.) But seriously. There is a heck of a lot of grammar in our textbook that is wholly unnecessary for seventh graders. So why the frick are we torturing them with it?

I say we focus on the necessities (which, if you're curious, start at chapter 8 in our textbook). Subject/verb agreement. Proper punctuation. Verb tense consistency. Homophones. You know, grammar skills that are vital in being an affective writer and actually not getting laughed out of freshman comp (or looking stupid on facebook). Let's save appositives for high school.

Who's with me?!?!?!?