Important Thoughts

I think if Facebook and whatnot had been around when I was in midde and high school my life would have been significantly worse. Which is saying something, because my middle and high school social experiences were not exactly glimmering with awesome. I was a nerd with THICK semi-curly hair and fat glasses. My nickname in 6th grade was Pits because no one ever told me about shaving. To think that Pits would have been permanently published on The Internet for all of the world to read...oy. And all of the stupid, petty rumors and gossip and rejection...the thought that it would have followed me home...makes me throw up a little in my mouth. I mean, sure, I sat by the phone and waited for no one to call. But at least my "friend requests" weren't outright rejected. At least there wasn't an actual number of friends to look at and compare. Could you imagine? You have an embarrassing moment and instead of 15 people laughing at you about it, EVERYONE does?

But I'm all grown up now, and I'm on Facebook. Sure, there's been a pretty decent amount of stupid, petty rumors and gossip and rejection. But I'm older and wiser now, and if you "unfriend" me because of how I vote...well, I'm pretty sure I'm cool with our friendship being over. I've got bigger fish to fry. Like parenting or whatever. And honestly, there are times when the social networking clearly becomes less about keeping in touch with people and more about people attacking one another like cowards. I mean, seriously, would people ever say out loud some of the things they post on Facebook? No. No they would not. It's much easier to type out "People who vote for Obama are stupid, baby-killing socialists" than to sit down over coffee with your friend who is a democrat and say the same thing out loud to his or her face. Which is why I very seriously considered taking a break until after the election. Or forever. Because I joined facebook to keep up with friends and post pictures of my kids and comment on pictures of my friends' kids. Not to read everyone stand up on their soapboxes. But I decided against it. Because recently that silly little website has been a comfort and a help. I've learned a lot about people--and it's been a little surprising at times. Plus there are some super cute baby pictures!

I started this little sewing hobby, which got bigger. I learned how to make cloth diapers. Our summer savings account started to dwindle, and we needed money. So I started to sell them. I posted my venture on facebook. And do you know what happened? Several of my friends shared the link and told all their friends about it. Friends who didn't even use cloth diapers but wanted to support me. A few friends ordered diapers. I've made a little bit of money, and I've been enjoying the hobby-turned-kind-of-vocation. But really, I've discovered something awesome. That people care about me. And that facebook isn't just a place to voice your opinion on your political and social judgements views. It's a place to encourage and support. I like that. So I don't think I'll take the break. Because while I've seen the ugly in humanity on facebook, I've also seen the beauty. And it's not just me and my silly diapers. I've seen people post about friends in need, and I've seen people fill the need within hours. So I guess it's possible to use The Internet's power for good.

Anyway, I guess I'm trying to say thank you. Thank you to all of you who have purchased diapers, told people to buy diapers, and shared the link to my page. And thank you to everyone who encouraged me to try this in the first place. You've helped me defeat the "can't do anything right" voice that's lived in my head for most of my life. And I know this sounds all dramatic and stupid, but you've helped me see that people can be lovely and selfless. Living where I live, there's not a lot of that.

So thanks, Internet. You're not so bad.

God has been gracious to me through a very difficult time. A very difficult school year led to a difficult summer, full of unwelcome surprises. When I think back on everything, I get overwhelmed and weepy and fearful. So I'm not going to dwell on it. But I will say this: after a challenging school year I was looking forward to a rejuvenating summer. I was hoping for ten weeks that would heal my broken body, heart and soul. But what I got was a lot more brokenness. But the extra brokenness is (slowly) leading to the healing. I can tell you with certainty--sometimes you have to be taken to the end of yourself before you can rebuild. There was a day when I feared for my daughter. But God proved his faithfulness in protecting my family. And he led us to a new child care situation that (I believe) will be much better for her. There was a period when I feared for our financial situation. But God proved his faithfulness in providing for my family. He led us to a place of complete, daily dependence. All of these things are painful, but proving to be necessary for growth.


All of this sappy nonsense leads me to my next Important Thought. Tomorrow I go back to work. The beginning of the year is a bittersweet thing for me. I get a little bipolar about it. One moment I'm giddy and so excited to meet my new students, try new things, and act like an idiot for money (there is very little dignity in teaching middle school). The next I'm sobbing like a baby because I can't bear the thought of leaving my children and giving up my hour of freetime during their afternoon nap. But in the midst of the emotional rollercoaster, I'm closing in on stability. Last year beat the crap out of me. I think every teacher has one of those years that makes them rethink their life path (before you judge me for this, feel free to tell me that you love every minute of your job and have never had a moment of doubt). But I'm ready for this year. I'm ready to fall back in love with my career and this life of mine. To embrace the joys and the challenges. And a big part of why I'm ready is that I feel, maybe for the first time, like I've got a team of cheerleaders that are genuinely there. And I have a renewed faith in a God who has been very patient with me for a long time.


So now's the time, I'm sure, when my weak and tender confidence will be tested. And that's fine. Because I think this time I can take it.