It's a Confusing Life

I'm having one of those weird days/weeks where I'm feeling unsettled. Which is odd partly because last week I was having one of those days/weeks where I wouldn't change a thing about my life. Today I want to change large chunks of it into an impossible, unrealistic thing. I think my outlook on life depends on my weekends, because this weekend was a stark contrast to the last. Last weekend was one of those idyllic ones. You know what I'm talking about--you'd have a montage of our smiling, laughing family frolicking in the park, cuddling on the couch with a movie, and generally behaving like we were high on life, maybe with a song by The Fray. This last weekend would have been a different montage.  One in which my sick husband moans in bed with a "fever" of 99 and watches old movies on his iPod while I cook every meal, clean every room, and entertain a toddler who seems to be some bipolar version of himself, maybe with "Annie Are You Okay" or "This Woman's Work". One minute he's being the cutest he's ever been, and the next I'm searching his hair for horns I'm positive must be in there somewhere. If he's not singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" like a dinosaur he's acting like one and flinging his toys across the room. It was exhausting. I found myself more than once (or more than ten times) longing for those pre-parent days where I could sleep in, curl up on the couch with a book for seven hours, alternately sleeping and reading and eating whatever crap I wanted at whatever time of day, and go to bed late because I didn't have to cook or clean or manage a small human if I didn't want to. I actually wanted to go to work on a Monday morning because I needed a break, ironically enough.


Side note: the rainy days don't help. Rainy days compel me to curl up on the couch with a blanket, some hot chocolate, and a good book.

Then I came to work this morning. It's not that work is bad--it's actually great. My students are awesome, I'm enjoying what I'm teaching, I'm actually being quite productive and not feeling too overwhelmed by the massive pile of essays and other papers that threaten to suffocate me daily. I've knocked out most of my to-do list already and it's only lunch-time. And I've somehow managed to do this without taking away from spending time with my students or feeling at all stressed. I'm not sure how it happened, but I seem to have mastered my Zen and the Art of Classroom Management philosophy. I'm living the dream, so to speak.

But I miss my little dinosaur terribly.

So this is what I'm asking for. A life where I have no children and I'm a stay-at-home mom. That's not so hard, is it?

Oh wait. It's physically impossible.

Sigh. Back to the drawing board.