A Rant, if I May

So I love Benjamin, and I can't imagine my life without him. That said, today, I am feeling a little "un-mommy." Is that allowed? I mean, I'm not usually a complainer. When life hands me lemons, I make all kinds of lemonade or whatever. But today, I don't want to make lemonade. I don't like lemons. I would like to have a lemon-free day. In fact, I would just like a free day. Because I'm tired. Actually, tired doesn't even begin to cover it.

So you know how when you have a newborn, you get little snatches of sleep that last maybe 90 minutes? And when you've finally dropped off into what feels like a coma, the little one cries and it's time for another feeding. It's 2am, you go in, you feed him, you put him back down and, hopefully, he falls back asleep and you crawl back into bed for the next little nap. Okay, now imagine that you've been sleeping for 90 minutes, the little one cries, you wake from your coma, and then you have to be up for the day, work three jobs, and then do it all over again. That's how I've been feeling this whole week. The alarm goes off at 5:00, and I'm pulled out of the deepest sleep I have ever known, and it's off I go into my day. I've gotten 6 hours of sleep, and now I begin the routine:

5am: alarm goes off, hit snooze a couple of times
5:20: pump the ladies, clean up
5:45: shower
6:15: have a cup of decaf coffee and check my email and such
6:30: wake Ben up, feed him, get him dressed
7:00: My mom arrives, I get dressed and ready
7:25: drive to work
7:45-3:30: teach 150 12-year-olds (note: my recess and lunch times are spent locked in my classroom, pumping, while I hold the pump with one hand, and eat/grade papers with the other)
3:30pm: go home
4:00: play with Ben
4:30: make dinner
5:00: eat dinner and clean up
5:30: feed Ben
6:00: feed Ben (rice cereal)
6:20: family walk
6:45: bath time
7:00: feed Ben
7:30: put Ben to bed, then collapse on the couch while my husband asks: "So what do you want to do tonight?"
7:30: any or all of the following: straighten up the apartment, grade papers, plan lessons, take a bath, watch TV, read, tool around online
9:45: Pump the ladies and clean up
10:30: bedtime

So I'm tired. And I don't want to play today. I want to hole up in my room and sleep, read, and do whatever I want. But that's not an option because of the mom job. I love my son, I do. But today I just don't want to do it. I don't want to play perfect wife, mother, and teacher. I don't want to grade the 50 essays sitting in my bag. I don't want to hold my baby as he screams because he's overtired from resisting his morning nap on account of preferring to be with the mother he doesn't see during the week. All week long he's apparently been taking these 2-3 hour naps in the morning, and I was all kinds of excited to rest, relax, maybe do something crafty. Instead, I spent an hour with a child who would scream if I put him in his crib and scream if I held him. I then gave up on the nap and ran errands instead. And now my husband's home, disappointed because he wanted to go out with us for the couple of hours he has between meetings and practice, and Ben has finally fallen asleep and I am losing my mind.

And it's not just today. I'm tired in general. I'm tired of being a prisoner in my own home. I'm glad I made the decision to breastfeed, but sometimes I hate it. I hate that I'm tied to my home and my child so much so that I can't leave or take any kind of break for more than an hour or two. Sure, Matt or someone else can take a feeding. But all that means is that I'll be spending 15 minutes with a pump instead of my kid, or getting an infection. And I'm tired of never having a minute to myself. I'm an introvert--I recharge by being alone. I don't even remember the last time I was completely alone. So I feel like I'm losing my mind. And now, even when I do have down time, I don't know what to do with myself. I don't feel like doing anything that I usually enjoy, and I know that the quiet will not last. And if I DO take some time for myself, I'm consumed with guilt. Because while I'm feeding Ben, cooking dinner, etc., Matt is on the computer playing games, so when I'm all finished his first question is, "What would you like to do?" He's ready to hang out, of course, because we don't get much time together these days either. And then when I'm in a half comatose state wasting my ten free minutes in front of the TV, I'm bombarded with commercials and programs telling me to cook healthy, organic meals and join a gym. I'd LOVE to rid myself of the baby fat (and more). But I defy you to find time for me to go to the gym in the above schedule.

So that's my selfish, un-called for, whiny rant. It probably makes me a bad wife and mother, but hey, I figure every wife and mother out there has felt this way at least once, and you don't do anyone any favors (least of all yourself) when you pretend you haven't.