Life Lessons from Bipolar Toddlerhood

For a host of reasons I spend the better part of any given day questioning myself. Questioning pretty much everything. My abilities as a wife, a mother, a teacher, a daughter, a friend, a child of God, a human being...whatever. I have had a few times in my little life where I've felt that I'm starting to heal in this, that after so many years I have finally managed to muster up a modicum of self-esteem. But who am I kidding? I inevitably end up right back where I began--a damaged little girl who is positive that at any given moment the jig will be up and everyone will discover what a huge fraud I am, shake their heads, and walk away. Apparently all the encouragement, love, and "Jesus made you and loves you, etc." can't erase two decades of emotional abuse. It is exhausting, living like this. Completely exhausting. To be a rule-following perfectionist who has been told ten too many times that nothing I do will ever be good enough. Every now and then I have a break-through--this clarifying moment where I start to believe the truth rather than the lies, and I live with confidence and faith in myself. But apparently I still haven't reached the place where I can sustain it when I'm challenged.

But in this moment, I'm on the verge of another one of those points of peace.

It's been a challenging couple of weeks. My health has been poor, my kid has been unrelentingly sick, my job is reaching a fever-pitch of stress and overwhelm, and it's been going on long enough that my carefully constructed arch support is beginning to buckle. It's often something small and silly that tips me over--I forget something at the store, a student asks to borrow a pencil--lame things. This time it was legitimately big and ugly and potentially actually serious. Nevertheless, justifiable or no, the spiral was quick and the plummet steep. I'm all at once terrified, overwhelmed, stressed, and irrational. And because I have no control over my emotions, I easily go from there to "clearly I'm unfit to parent, teach, be a member of society, etc." Yikes. Drama, anyone? I might be spending too much time with adolescents and parenting books and websites. And definitely way too much time on google trying to self-diagnose my lab results.

But I seem to have landed on a few tools that offer up a parachute of sorts that slows my descent into Crazytown and brings me back to reality. I'd love to say some time in prayer and the Bible were my ticket to emotional freedom, but unfortunately as a first step they make things worse by reminding me of my depravity and give me another shortcoming to add to my exponentially lengthening list. But today I managed to get myself to a reasonable state by doing a couple of things which, ironically, sound like terrible ideas. Like putting on a movie for Ben and getting McDonalds for dinner. Because clearly, for me, the key to self-esteem is to calm down. See, I'm learning a lot from my bi-polar toddler. He gets to this hysterical place where he's out of control and irrational, and it's pointless for me to discipline him, reason with him, or change his behavior. The only thing I can do is let his freak-out run its course. The more I try to calm him down, the more insane he gets. I have to let him pitch his fit, then help him get calm, and wait until he's been calm for a little bit before proceeding gently but firmly. So that's what I need to do with me. Let myself pitch my fit, overflow with molten crazy, then gradually help myself calm down with some TV, a snack, something to drink...anything that sounds relaxing for the moment. Ironically enough, that may involve some compromises in my self-inflicted cage of perfectionism. I need to be a worse parent in order to see that I'm really a good one. Then and only then can I try to think clearly and rationally. Then I can pray and actually listen. Then I can think and reason and actually come to an actual conclusion. The trick, I suppose, is to try these things early in the Crazy Train and try to head off the Spiral of Shame and Self-Loathing before it has a chance to take hold.

For the last 24 hours I've been grappling with some potentially scary things, and by the latter half of my day I'd let it eat at me until I was completely consumed with fear and dread, which led to the Dark and Twisty Place. But I got myself out. I had a cookie, put on a movie, and cuddled on the couch with my little man. And wouldn't you know, I felt a million times better. It's amazing, the healing powers of a snuggle. Because no matter how dark and twisty you may feel, it all melts when a little love puts his arms around your neck, grins from ear to ear, and says, "I love you so much." Because seriously, how bad a mom can I be if I got that from a two-year-old? Toddlers are notoriously honest. Ben frequently tells Matt that his face is crunchy and that he wants me to leave him alone because I hurt his feelings. So with the 342 million ways to fail as a parent (according to the parenting section of any bookstore and the internet), I'm probably making as many as a dozen mistakes an hour (and that's just when I'm at work), but it's okay...because he loves me so much.

So whatever happens, happens. I'll be okay. And whatever terrible things I say and do along the way may or may not matter, but not so much that the world will collectively shake its head and walk away. I will say and do things that are wrong, and sometimes there will be unpleasant consequences. I will get overwhelmed again. I will feel guilty again. I will have to do things I don't want to do. And I will make poor choices on occasion. And that's okay. I might get some bad news, and things could get scary. But I'll get through it. Because I always do. God has never ever taken me somewhere and abandoned me. And that thing about me never doing anything right is a fat lie, that one of these days I will stop believing completely and be free of.

Because my little man loves me so much. Because my husband and mom and a great many other people love me so much. Because my Big God loves me so much. And because I'm totally worth it. At least I'm pretty sure...I could be way off...but maybe...

Time for another cookie...