Gratitude Addendum

--Zofran, an anti-nausea drug, generally given to chemo patients, that is saving my life and my sanity

I hit a new low on Monday. Sunday had actually been a relatively pleasant day. We were all feeling a little better, so in the morning we spent a leisurely couple of hours out to breakfast, the farm and the park. It totally wiped me out, but it was so wonderful to get out and get some exercise and fresh air. I threw up a few times during the course of the day, but no Big Ones. On Monday I was off work, and for my Valentine's present to Matt I was going to clean the house. The morning started out fine. I had a bit of energy, Ben slept in a little. Then I threw up breakfast. And it was a Big One. And as I could hear Ben outside the bathroom door softly saying, "Mommy are you okay?" I knew that was it over for me; I couldn't do it anymore. For the first time throughout this whole ordeal, I cried. Spent and angry, I dragged myself out of the bathroom and went to call Matt home. When I got to my phone there was a text from him saying he was on his way.

I cried off and on all day. I was rapidly sinking onto a quicksand of depression, and really not just because of the throwing up. Mostly because all of the puking leaves me feeling weak and exhausted, and I can't do anything. I can barely get off the couch much less play with my son, keep my house reasonably clean, cook, teach, and in any way enjoy my life or perform even the most basic functions of my roles of wife, mother, and teacher. And while Matt is amazing and is doing so much, despite the fact he's recovering from a cold, the thought of him having to do everything for the next 5 or 6 months kills me. And who knows--maybe that's what this is a little bit about--me letting go of needing to do and be everything. But like so many volunteers on infomercials say--"there's got to be a better way!"

I called Kaiser in the morning when Matt got home. I don't really want to dump my midwife yet, because I have a feeling the lack of help is not on her but on the convoluted and nonsensical Kaiser Chain of Communication. But something had to give. So I called Labor & Delivery to be traiged like the RN who'd been responding to my messages had told me. I thought it might be drastic, but if I had to go through that step before they'd give me meds then I'd do it. The nurse in L&D was baffled that no one had put me on meds yet. She said it didn't sound like I needed the IV quite yet, although I was certainly close, and that I should call my midwife and ask for the meds first. So I did. Except of course with Kaiser you can't just call your doctor, you have to weave your way through a call center, leave a message, and wait up to 24 hours for them to call you back. So I left my message: Give me the freaking meds. I got off the phone, and I prayed. I prayed that it wouldn't take 24 hours, that my midwife would get the message quickly, not bother to have a nurse call me back to ask more questions then call me back again later with a decision (which is often how this little system works). That she would simply get my message, soon, and order the meds. An hour later I got a call from a nurse at my midwife's office saying she would pass on my message and get those meds ordered. At 3:30 she called back and said the meds had been ordered and were ready for me to pick up.

I am a new person. I haven't thrown up since that "last time" Monday morning. I believe that God gave me that whole day off from vomiting while I waited for the meds. I have kept down every scrap of food, and I have even felt hungry, which has happened maybe three times in the last three and a half months. I am still battling whatever demon is attacking my respiratory system. I sound like Slingblade, I cough all day from deep in my chest, and I can only hear out of one ear at a time. I'm still on antibiotics, which are clearly doing nothing. BUT...all those times I cough I don't throw up afterward. V for Victory.