Crazy

These last couple of weeks have been pretty insane. Well, it's probably been longer than that. Like a month. But these last couple of weeks have certainly dialed up the crazy.

This week is my last week of school, and I was in my best friend's wedding on Sunday. That may not sound like the ingredients for crazy, but if that's true you clearly have never tried both at the same time. Being in a wedding (especially as a bridesmaid) is a lot. Please don't misunderstand--I LOVED being able to stand with my bestie on her wedding day, and I was ridiculously honored to do so. But bridesmaiding (yep--I just made it a verb) can be quite time consuming. For a working mom, that's rough. I already spend roughly three to four hours a day with my kiddo--adding bridal showers, bachelorettes, weekends away, rehearsals, and dinners was challenging. In the last month I have literally been gone most weekend days and several weeknights. And the finishing the school year--well, if you're not a teacher you can't know what a beast that is. A glorious (because it's almost the end) but draining beast.

And then my friend passed away. Since she was a teacher at my school, I couldn't take a day off to cry (not fair--if we all did that, no one would be there to work). So I had to be happy teacher all week, comforting sad kids, grading final projects, answering for the 325,675 time the "what can I do to bring my grade up [on the last few days of school after I haven't tried for 36 straight weeks]" question, finishing BTSA, cleaning my classroom, and planning for next year. All while trying to hold in the molten lava of grief that is threatening to consume me, but I can't let it. Then I go home and play happy mommy, because I can't cry for several hours when I have a toddler who needs me, and one who is coming unhinged because I haven't been around for a few weeks. Then I'm being a happy bridesmaid at the rehearsal and dinner (after an 8-hour day at an amusement park with a couple hundred seventh graders). Come Friday I was literally in tears in the shower, partly because of the grief and sadness that just refused to wait for yet another week, and partly because I was so freaking overwhelmed with things I needed to do that I couldn't see straight. And, if I can be selfish and insensitive here, on top of it all the ONE DAY in a month I have to spend with my family is claimed by a funeral.

This week I may or may not have:

...allowed Ben to watch TV for an unreasonable quantity of time while I took a long, sobbing shower.
...allowed Ben to watch TV for an unreasonable quantity of time while I played on facebook.
...neglected to cook or clean for pretty much the whole week.
...forgotten to bring a promised movie as a reward for my students.
...snapped at my students. Kind of a lot.
...put coffee grinds in the coffee maker and walked away expecting coffee to be there when I got back. No water, didn't turn it on...just coffee grinds. TWICE.
...neglected to bring lunch to work AT ALL.
...forgotten to take my gigantic bridesmaid dress in to get it altered.
...forgotten to get shoes for the wedding.
...forgotten to get a necklace for the wedding.
...on the day before the wedding, sat down with my mom after the memorial service and done the alterations ourselves with mismatched thread.
...taken Ben to the shoe store on my way home Friday to get silver shoes for the wedding while he rearranged the entire size eight section.
...laughed and taken pictures instead of stopping him.
...purchased a $5 necklace at Target the day of the wedding.
...purchased a couple of small toys for Ben while we were at Target because I felt guilty for orphaning him in the last month.

I am positive there are many more things I may or may not have done in the last week or two. But before you judge me for being a terrible wife, mother, daughter, and teacher, let's all remember this: sometimes life sucks a little bit, and it happens to everyone.

But there have been a few moments during this special time that have kept me from the brink. My mom being savior of the world (or at least the wedding) by helping me take my dress in, for one. If she hadn't done it I would have continued in my plan of doing it myself. That would probably have turned out very badly. Super-husband put himself up for World's Best Dad taking care of Ben for the thousand hours that I was away, and he was graceful and loving and took great care of me while I fell apart, despite stress of his own.

And Ben. Sweet Ben. The day Jill passed away I cried in the car while I drove us home. I'd JUST found out, and I hadn't gotten to the point yet where I could suck it in. When I went to pick him up he was crying because he'd just fallen. He ran to me crying, Mommy, and jumped into my arms. I missed him so badly. And all I needed in the entire planet was to hold him close. We needed each other. And when I cried on the way home, he said softly from the back seat, "Mommy owie?"

Yes, baby. Mommy has an owie.

A few days later I was praying with him. The lights were out, we said amen. He sat up and faced me and said, "Mommy happy?"

Yes, baby. Mommy's happy.