Tradition

This has always been my favorite time of year. I love fall weather (well, I did when there was actually fall weather, not this 80 degree crap), Thanksgiving, Christmas, and days off from school. I'm crazy about blankets, hot chocolate, evening movies, and golden leaves. Holidays have, of course, changed over the the years. Some of that change has been good, some I have had some difficulty in adjusting to.


When I was young we always went to my Nana and Papa's (my mom's parents) for Thanksgiving. We went for the whole four day weekend. It was delicious. Not just the dinner, but the whole weekend. I LOVED their house. It was big, had a really cool staircase, a pool (which I obviously couldn't go in during Thanksgiving, but I loved that it was there), and an amazing real-life secret garden. Okay, it wasn't exactly secret because everyone knew it was there; but it was walled in and had pathways and a bench swing. I could spend hours in there. There were also several rooms in which I could let my imagination go nuts and play pretend until I dropped from exhaustion. I loved spending the time with my grandparents, and I loved seeing my uncles and Granny, whom I rarely saw outside of Thanksgiving. It was magic.


We spent the Saturday before Christmas at my Grandpa and Grandma's (my dad's parents). They live in Hemet, and as much of my dad's family was able to come (he's the second of six, a few of whom are spread out around the country) and all of my cousins would squeeze into their mobile home. We always had ham, and because I had four uncles and an aunt, there were many kids, and thus many presents. Most of my cousins are about my age, so we'd have a great time, especially since we didn't see each other often. I remember my grandparents had toys stashed under the steps, and we would play with those all day while our parents sat outside and talked.



On Christmas morning it was just my family. We'd wake up early and tip-toe downstairs, where there would be presents under the tree, stockings stuffed to the brim, and often snow outside. My brother and I would act like we weren't that into the presents, so we'd saunter nonchalantly into the kitchen and say good morning, keeping our peripheral vision on the loot. We'd make hot chocolate and curl up by the tree wrapped in blankets, still in our jammies. Every year we'd trade who was Santa. Santa handed out all the presents, then we'd open them one person at a time, the youngest first. My bother would open all of his first, then I'd open mine, then my mom, then my dad. Then my dad would make a big breakfast (he's really good at breakfast). Afterwords the day was ours. My dad would clean then go in the garage, my mom would cross-stitch and watch old movies, and my brother and I would play with our new things. One year, when we were in high school, all my brother wanted for Christmas was money to buy climbing shoes. So my mom asked me to wrap the money creatively because she wanted him to have something to open. She had no idea what she was starting. I put the money in a picture frame, wrapped it in tissue paper, grabbed the biggest gift bag I could find, put a brick in the bottom, put the frame on top, and stuffed the whole thing with tissue paper. My mom watched with eyebrows raised, as I'm sure she probably wasn't thinking a brick would be involved. But we all had a big laugh when he opened it, and a new tradition had begun. Every year since then (and it's been a good 15 years) I have made my brother work for his present. I've sent him on scavenger hunts, made him play deal or no deal, wrapped a roll of film in 20 boxes, burried it in mac and cheese...after 15 years, I will be honest, it's getting difficult to come up with ideas. Last year I did a scavenger hunt with photo clues of Ben in the spot of the next clue. A couple of years ago my brother started in on it. He drew a map, tea stained and burned it so it looked distressed, and wrote clues on it like "take five paces to the left" and little rhymes. I was so excited I almost peed.

But a few things have changed. Nearly all of my uncles, grandparents, aunt, and parents have gotten divorced. Many have moved out of state. The cousins all grew up and moved away. A few family members have passed away. My Papa died, so we didn't do Thanksgiving weekend with him anymore. My parents got divorced and moved off the mountain, so we didn't have Christmas morning hot chocolate and snow anymore. I worked for a time at a restaurant, so I was lucky if I got a day off for the holidays. The same happened with my brother. Life happened. Again, some good, some slow adjustments.


When Matt and I got married, the holidays changed again. With two sets of divorced parents, I had gone from one Thanksgiving and one Christmas to four of each. Instead of the peaceful division of Thanksgiving with the Booths and Christmas with the Cobbs we became a rope in everyone's game of tug-of-war. It didn't feel like the holidays I remembered loving; the holidays were now the four most stressful weeks of the year. While attempting to make everyone happy, our own comfort and happiness has frequently gotten lost in the shuffle. If we had our way all of our twenty families would all live nearby and we would get to spend the holidays with everyone, together. But as that is not likely to ever happen, we adjust. So for the last five years, we've alternated Thanksgiving and Christmas between the two sets of families.


This year we had to make a difficult decision. We are not in a situation where we can fly for the next few months, so we won't be able to make it up north for either holiday. We are deeply sad about this. We miss Matt's family very much, and we know they miss us. We want Ben to be able to spend time with his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, and we want to spend time with them too. But it's just not a possibility right now. So we adjust.

While we will be having Thanksgiving dinner with my mom, the rest of the weekend we will spend together, just the three of us. And for Christmas we will do the family gatherings, but the remainder of the season we will spend together, just the three of us. This year we will not be spending the next month trying to make everyone happy with us and happy in general. We will do what we can, but we need to find our own little family's traditions. We will slow down, rest, and celebrate gratitude and salvation together. Last year we weren't at home Christmas morning. We were blessed to stay in our brother's home. But it wasn't our home, and there wasn't a tree. We also had to pack and travel with any gifts we gave each other and Ben. While it worked, and it will have to work every other year for forever, this year we will spend our first Christmas with Ben in our own home. We will wake up Christmas morning and open presents in our pajamas and drink hot chocolate. We will have a big breakfast and play with our new toys. And we will find our own traditions. Maybe it's a Christmas movie, maybe it's several. Maybe it's reading the Christmas story together, or opening one present on Christmas Eve. I don't know. But that annual routine was wonderful to me, and I want Ben to have it. It's so easy to get caught up in all of the chaos and the obligations during the holidays, and this year we're not going to play. This year it's Ben's turn; it's our turn.

Last year for Thanksgiving we had two dinners; we went to my dad's in Hemet then my mom's in Yucaipa. It was busy, but do-able. This year we will have one dinner. Last year we walked to the mall for Black Friday. We got all the deals and didn't have to park. Plus we got a lot of great exercise. This year we will do that again. So maybe that's a new tradition. As long as we live a mile from the mall and we're at home, we'll walk and shop on Black Friday. Then we'll come home and decorate for Christmas. I like that tradition for Thanksgiving weekend.

Matt and I are really figuring out who we are as a family. We're working through being working parents, and we're working on maintaining a healthy relationship as a couple while still being parents. We're working on keeping a balance of time as a whole family, time alone with Ben, time alone with each other, and time alone by ourselves. We're trying to stay afloat financially and mentally, and we're learning to love our lives as they are. So this is the year we figure out what that means during the holidays.

So while I don't have snow and secret gardens and games under the steps anymore, I have a beautiful and wonderful family. And that, after all, is what the holidays are about. That and Jesus. But that's a different blog, which started here and will hopefully be worked through during our Selfish Holiday Season 2009.