Sad Mama Day

I'm having one of those weeks again. Well, to be fair, every week is, at least in part, one of those weeks. But this week that familiar aching is rearing its fugly head. Yesterday morning when I picked the monkey up out of his crib, all cozy in his dinosaur jammies, he laid his head on my shoulder, wrapped his arms around my neck, sucked his thumb, and played with my hair. I collapsed into a nearby chair and the tears just fell.

There is a part of me that wishes my co-worker was right when she said that I would be glad to have a job and not be spending 24/7 with my little booger. When I have these days where my heart just shatters dropping my sweet monkey off in the morning, she tells me that I only say I want to stay home with him because I don't have to do it, and if I did, I would be begging for a job. And maybe that's true for some people, but I really don't think it's true for me. Perhaps the grass is always greener; but I've seen both kinds, and while the two are certainly different shades of green, I would really prefer to graze at home. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. And lately I've been scoring some wins there, which means a lot as a teacher. But I miss my little boy. I don't want to be one of those moms who have no self apart from their child. I don't want to spend every waking moment with him, because that's not healthy. But what I do want is to spend more than a couple of hours a day with him.

Other bonuses to staying at home (at least from where I'm standing):

I could maybe clean the house during the day instead of at night after I've already worked all day, made dinner, and taken care of my husband and child.

I could actually make a decent meal.

I could take a run or go to the gym without feeling guilty and sad over losing a precious hour with my son and husband that I don't see enough.

I could have a teensy bit of free time

And before you SAHMs tell me that those things don't necessarily come with staying at home, I can assure you that after having done both, they are certainly easier to come by than when you work out of the home. Because everything that needs to be done (laundry, cleaning, cooking, etc.) all day when you work at home, the same things need to happen when you work out of it. You just have about eight fewer hours to do them in.

And so I feel a little run-down. I'm tired. I'm sad because I want to spend more time with my kid. I'm sad because I need more time to myself. I'm frustrated because those "20 minute dinners for the nights you don't have time" are every night, and the baseboards will never be clean. I'm frustrated because I never have time to read, and I miss it. And I'm sad because I miss my monkey.

Sigh. Hi ho hi ho, it's off to work I go.