Toys R Us

Okay, when I was a kid I played with fairly simple toys. I had blocks, barbies, leggos, lincoln logs, my little pony...you know, simple stuff that you use your imagination with.

Apparently that's no longer the toy situation.

Yesterday we went to Toys R Us to look for things for Ben's first birthday. Since he's turning one, crawling, and starting to walk, he's in need of a bit of a toy overhaul. Gone are the days of $2 rattles and plastic keys. Although, to be fair, infancy has not been cheap. While the sorting blocks and stacking ring were $5 a piece, the swing, exersaucer, play mat, bouncy seat, etc. rang in at a grand total of, well, piles of money. So now come the big boy toys, along with big pricetags and bells and whistles that I find superfluous. Ben has newly discovered his sorting blocks and stacking ring since he's figured out how to take things out/off and put them back in/on (over and over and over and...). But that can only hold his interest for so long. Then there's emptying out the bookcases (still waiting for the "putting the books back" to kick in) and generally wreaking havoc around the apartment (who says that pulling the fan down on top of yourself is only fun once?). But now he's ready for new things, which brings us back to Shoot Me Now R Us Toys R Us.

Apparently toys for one-year-olds must meet a few federal requirements:

1. They must come in bright primary colors
2. There must also be a pink girl version (which should be cheaper and better stocked)
3. They must have flashing lights
4. They must make insanely annoying sounds
5. They must cost no less than $50 million

I found a little plastic Tonka car for Ben.

We're also in the market for a wagon in which I can cart my McNugget around town. Those also have several federal requirements

1. They must be red or pink
2. They must come with canopies and cupholders
3. They must cost no less than $50 million

Finally, we are trying to convert part of our back deck into a play area for Ben. Not that our four square foot living room in a breeze-free hole of an apartment is not a sufficient play place. But for those days that maybe losing my body weight in sweat and endlessly pulling Ben off the DVD player doesn't sound like something I want to do for ten hours, and I don't feel like driving to the park to take a walk (or taking a walk next to the freeway, which is where we live), it would be nice to have something to do. So our complex is generously covering our deck railings in lattice, and we're looking for some of those foam floor tiles to cover the deck with. Not that crawling around on dirty, splintery wood wouldn't be fun for Ben. But just in case.

Have I mentioned the federal requirements of the foam tiles?

1. They must cost no less than $50 million
2. They must not be sold at Target, so you therefore must go to Expensive R Us Toys R Us to purchase them

We did end up finding a few things that I actually liked and approved of (sans annoying sounds and flashes of seizure lights). The big giant leggo-like blocks, little people products, and aforementioned plastic Tonka trucks. Of course, I'm going to need to get a second job to buy them. But Sacrifice is the name of the mama game, and I'm in if it means saving the fan and DVD player from destruction, because those are at least $2 trillion each. I'm going to need to save that money because apparently for his next birthday I'll need to get him an iPhone.