Teacher Mother

I'm tired. Really really tired. It's Teacher Appreciation Week, and Mother's Day is Sunday, which would indicate that my usual level of service to the planet would abate a little. Funny.

I love being a teacher. I love being a mom. But sometimes being both at the same time is FREAKING HARD.

I've attempted to resume my old patterns in order to be less of a failure at the wife/mother/teacher combo. And with a good amount of success, I might add. The house is spotless; Matt's only had to cook three meals in two weeks; Ben is clean, well dressed, and happy; my students have their work back to them and graded within no more than 48 hours; progress reports are done; I've got half of next year all planned out;  we're making an extra $100 a month and my students are getting extra help because I volunteered to host homework club once a week; my classroom is clean and organized; the pantry and fridge are stocked; the bills are paid; and I'm right on track with my BTSA work. I'm doing it all.

Except that I am exhausted and feel a little bit like an empty shell of a person.

The house is spotless because I get up every morning at 5:30 to clean it. Ben is happy as a clam because I've let go of all my "free" time to be extra attentive to him. My classroom is a well-oiled machine because I live here a solid two hours a day more than I'm contracted to. Everything is beautiful and running smoothly around me because I've completely abandoned all efforts to save a piece of myself for myself. I look great pregnant because I haven't gained a solitary pound, mostly because I either forget to eat or Ben eats my food, and I burn too many calories because I never stop moving. I don't sleep super well because I'm really uncomfortable and Matt snores. Yesterday's blood tests came back with a big red anemia flag, which means it's time for iron, which means (please excuse the excess of information) my stress-induced constipation will not be getting better any time soon.

On Tuesday at my appointment my mid-wife told me I need to put myself in my "circle of care," or I will go into pre-term labor again. I told her I will make sure that happens, but I can't today because I have to do laundry when I get home, and do my blood work and go to the store first thing in the morning on my way to dropping Ben off at daycare and going to an all-day English teacher planning session. Thursday I have to work on BTSA while I teach, get progress reports done, do another round of laundry, go to a BTSA training, clean the bathroom, grade everything from when the sub was there on Wednesday, and play with Ben because it's been a while since I've seen him. State testing is next week, so I can't really take care of myself during that, then I have my final presentation for BTSA. So maybe I'll put my feet up two weeks from now.

Yesterday our English meeting got done a little early, and Ben was still napping at daycare. Someone suggested I go get a pedicure. It was really tempting, but I couldn't bring myself to spend $20 and 30 minutes on myself when I knew we needed toilet paper, paper towels, and kleenex from Costco, and every extra penny we have needs to go to the thousands of dollars in crap that babies need.

Sorry for all the whining. It's pretty lame of me to be complaining about the stresses of motherhood when so many have lost children or can't have them, and about the stresses of my job when so many have lost theirs. And it's lame to complain about anything when people around the world are legitimately suffering in ways I will probably never experience. But for the moment, all I can really think about is how for Teacher Appreciation Week and Mother's Day all I really want is to eat and pee and sleep alone and for as long as I want. And maybe to spend a night in a hotel room alone. Except I'd probably feel guilty about all the other things we need with that money and the fact that if I'm not doing my life someone else has to and that's not fair for them. So maybe just some Starbucks.