The First Day

Today is my first day back at work. Not the first day of school--that happens tomorrow. But my first day back. Staff meetings, class rosters, putting up posters, writing names in textbooks, straightening the desks, making copies...my one chunk of prep time that ought to cover the next 178 days.

Every year is different. Every class roster, set of parents, and round of staff changes is different. Every year brings its own set of joys and challenges, and there really is no way of predicting them. Every year has worked me over for different reasons. The last three years emotionally and physically kicked my ass, between taking over someone else's classes halfway through the year, being pregnant, having a newborn, having a sick kid, watching my friend die, and a host of unpublishable-because-they-would-make-someone-mad issues. To be honest, while some trimesters are better than others, I don't think I've really had a good year. What I'm taking from this revelation is that much like most of my life, I cannot get through a month unscathed. Challenges and pain and frustration are going to happen. So I need to be patient with others, patient with myself, compassionate towards both, and forgiving of both. I need to grow some thicker skin, stop overthinking and worrying that any given lesson or action is imperfect and subsequently dire, and relax. This will be a difficult year to attain those goals--but maybe that's why I feel compelled to make them. Because perhaps this year I will need them the most.

And so, once again, I pray. Because at this point, the characteristics I desire for myself are not going to just spring up naturally, and if I try to put a load of effort into relaxing more and just letting things be, well...obviously I will have failed.

So, in all honestly, just to lay it all out on the table in the hopes that voicing it will be a step in a better direction, these are things I'm afraid of:

1. Ben getting sick again. A lot. Again.
2. Too much BTSA
3. Ben's babysitter falling through
4. Mean people

Because today is a transition day, because I have a hard time with change, and because I'm trying to not fall apart at the thought of dropping Ben off and the fear of failing before I start, it's time for my patented:

List of Things I'm Looking Forward To:

1. Meeting my new kiddos. I love a good fresh start--for all of us.
2. Ben (eventually) getting through the transition and enjoying his new year with new people that he already loves
3. Matt having Friday mornings off with Ben. I can't tell you how excited I am about Matt getting a little piece of what I get on breaks and every third weekend when he's playing at church. And I'm also excited about my Friday evenings with Ben as Matt works late. A tiny piece of summer every week.

That's all I can do for now. It's my shortest list ever, I know. But right now my goal is to just get through the next couple of weeks without succumbing to the fear and separation anxiety.

And so I pray.