Zen

I’m taking a brief break during my lunch from my mountain of grading…

It’s been a crazy couple of weeks in some ways, and in some ways it really hasn’t. My whole Zen philosophy this year will be a challenge, but it will be good for me. It already has been. Ben lost his mind every morning that first week when I left. The last couple of years I actually hadn’t cried on that first day. Oddly enough, I cried the third or fourth day. I think I didn’t cry because it took a few days to sink in that it wasn’t temporary—that I really did have to leave him five days a week for the next ten months. The first couple of days I was nervous and excited and busy entering the year, and I think it didn’t hit me to grieve until the dust had settled. This year there wasn’t much dust. I felt prepared, I felt comfortable. After a couple of years of the transition, I obviously am keenly aware of the permanency of the separation. So that first day, I cried. I handed Ben off to Brandi, Ben was wailing, and the tears began to fall before he was even out of my arms. I ran out of the house, trying to hold in the sobs until I was at least half-way out the door. I cried all the way to work.

Once there, I was, predictably, fine. Eighteen or so hours of meetings and a few fleeting moments in my classroom later, and I could tell my Zen was taking a beating. It wasn’t because the work was unpleasant. Far from it—I love my job, I love my staff, and I love organizing things. It was just a lot. I didn’t have nearly the time I needed to get a lot of prep done, and knowing the students would be there first thing in the morning when I felt half-prepared gave me more than one moment of panic. But then it happened—the moment I’d been waiting for. The moment to be Zen. And I did it. I took a deep breath, exhaled, and smiled. Whatever. A half a dozen things weren’t done and it was after 3:00. Oh well. I’ll do it later. This is a Christmas Miracle, folks. I’m fairly certain I’ve never had that thought a day in my life. My first year of teaching I was at work until 5:00 every day because I seriously could not leave with one item left on my To-Do list. But not this year. This year I wanted to be Zen. And I am.

The secret to my success? God. Nothing short of God. And my own good choices. Because what I did that first morning changed the game. I woke up extra early (please don’t die of shock) and spent some time with God before my day got started. I read my Bible, I prayed. I wrote a couple of perfect-for-the-day verses from my morning reading on sticky notes and put them on my work computer to memorize and mediate upon throughout the day.

I have done this every morning for the last thirteen days. And I started doing a little yoga. I read, I pray, I pick a verse or two, and I meditate on it as I do some stretching. And then there are those verses from the first day…my mantra, my refuge.

This is going to be a challenging year for me as far as work-load. I’ve got six academic classes, three different preps, and no prep period or elective to grade, plan, and do the thousand administrative tasks I need to do on a daily basis. I don’t want to be here from 6am-6pm, and I want to try to maintain my rule of never bringing work home. To be honest, I’m not really sure how I’m going to do it at all, much less do it with little to no stress. But I’ve got a few little tricks up my sleeve. I’ve got my verses, and I make myself a little To-Do sticky note each morning. My mom always told me that the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. So I’m going to eat my elephant of a job one bite at a time. I won’t leave every day with zero papers to grade and no planning/prep to do. But I can do a little. So far I have spent every recess and lunch in the copy room or at my desk. I’m going to have to figure out a way to make that end; but for now, it’s the only prep time I get. But I’ll find a way to get my time back. I mean, how can I achieve Zen if I never stop working? I’ll get there. I’m slowly finding my pace, my rhythm. And I promise not to freak out on the way.

So there it is—I am Zen. So when on the second day half of my students didn’t turn their first tiny assignment in, Zen. Of course there are consequences for them—but no longer for me. I refuse to carry with me every single frustration, every single apparent failure of mine or theirs. Because it’s not worth it. And I refuse to spend my entire year not sleeping and constantly frustrated because I didn’t do something right, or they didn’t do something right, or someone doesn’t like the way I did this, or__________. Whatever. Things will get done. Do I have moments of panic when I think about the sheer volume of essays (four English classes!)? Yes. Do I have moments when I feel overwhelmed by six academic periods and no prep or elective time to grade/plan? Absolutely. Do I have an anxiety attack at the end of the day when I look at all the unorganized crap and unfinished tasks covering my desk? A little. Was I at least a little bit tempted to run screaming out of one class in particular today when several students didn’t have their book, several more didn’t have a paper we’ve been working on for a week, one didn’t have his backpack (or any of its contents), and one had his backpack but all of its contents were distributed among his various classes? Sure. But that’s okay—I feel the feeling, I take a deep breath, and I move on.

Sure, we’re only on our second full week of school. I’m sure I will face many more trying moments than a load of kids forgetting to bring their textbooks to class. And maybe when I get that hateful email or that disrespectful student gets all sassy-pants on me the Zen will be more challenging to maintain. But for now I’m going to relax in my small triumph. Because today I’m good. I love my students—they’re funny and weird and all those things that make my job so wonderful. I’m excited about the year. Ben is already loving his days with his caretakers, and I only cried the one time. We have two dates a week, and all kinds of cuddles and family time in between. We still have our together time, and I still have some me time. Maybe it’s a lot less time, but I drink it in all the more.

Zen, baby.

But I have to go now because seriously, I have so much freaking grading to do.

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God…So I know that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot. For who can bring him to see what will happen after him?” Ecc. 3:11-13, 22