Happy List

Sometimes when life starts handing me lemons, I like to make a list of the recipes for lemonade coming my way. In the midst of the dark parts, I know that God has given me a bright and beautiful life. In times like now, when I'm avoiding dealing with my friend's terminal breast cancer, I like to think ahead to the blessings that God has in store for me, and the ways that I can suck the marrow out of life. Which, to be honest, I suppose is a lesson to be learned from my friend. She has fought hard for so long, and she has a husband and young son that have been fighting with her. I want to be a fighter. Because the truth is that we don't know how much time we have. We like to think that we're invincible and that things like fires and earthquakes and cancer only happen to other people. The reality is that we might be those other people. I was ten the first time someone I was close to passed away; three close relatives died within a couple of years. The cycle has continued for most of my life. Cancer has touched, and sometimes claimed, too many of my loved ones to count. I think this time it is hitting closer to home, probably because she is closer to my age than anyone else I've lost to disease. I've known peers that have passed away from suffocation in a hammock, car accidents, and other sudden incidents. I once had a student die from parasites in his brain. There is no question, then, why I sometimes perseverate on death. The birth of Benjamin changed the game for me, though. Until he came I was always afraid of other people dying. Now I'm actually afraid of dying myself. My friend has a seven-year-old son. I don't want Ben to grow up without a mom.

I know this is getting morbid, so I'll get to the point. Essentially I'm learning to live my life. I mean really live it. To love, to play, and to go on adventures, both big and small. Because God made a big world that begs to be seen, and he's giving me all this time that should never be wasted. So while my silly little "what I'm looking forward to" lists are a way to escape and avoid my present pain, they're also a goal. A goal to suck all the marrow out of life that I can and live like I'm dying (thanks to Henry David Thoreau and Kris Allen for the platitudes).

Things I Can't Wait For...

1. Eventually, if all the stars align, Ben stops getting sick, and people stop inviting us to things, going to Big Bear and/or Lake Arrowhead for a few days.
2. Spring Break! Time with my boys.
3. Easter. I love Good Friday, Easter, and the promise of new life and hope that they bring.
4. My besties Erin and Shelli's weddings. I'm so excited that they've both found the loves of their lives and that they've asked me to be a part of their special days.
5. Ben's sweetheart Delaney's first birthday party. I love that little girl like a fat kid loves cake.
6. Hosting my book club. It's my first time hosting, and I'm nervous and excited. I know, I know, it's no big deal. Except that it is because I have to make Japanese food.
7. Summer! I can't wait to spend every day with my little McNugget. All these weekends are a big tease, and I can't wait until we go gallivanting around Orange County together.
8. The First Annual Miller Family Vacation. Because I'm a teacher and therefore don't get floating vacation days (let's be fair...I get four weeks of paid vacation per year as well as summers), most of our vacations fall during holidays. Because we don't have piles of money, most of our holidays and traveling are spent in northern California with Matt's family because we want to take every chance we get to see them, which is, sadly, not very often. While we love that, we've also been jonesing for a vacation with just our little nuclear family, and to somewhere other than the Sacramento area. So this summer we're going to stop up there for a couple of days then head into the Yosemite area just us three. I could not be more excited.
9. Family Visit. In April some of Matt's family will be down visiting for a whole week! We're very excited about this, as we get the double bonus of seeing them and also being able to do it and to still pay rent. A special bonus this time is that Matt's sister, brother-in-law, and niece are coming down for the first time since our wedding. We're super excited about Ben and Fynley getting to play together, as well as going to Disneyland and pal-ing around with other adults there.


So there's my wish list...here's to a better spring than winter in 2010.