Overwhelmed

I got in a very minor car accident on Sunday. Nothing to worry about...I was the only one in the car, this other guy and I backed into each other in a retarded parking lot, no one was hurt, the car is okay...no big deal, right? Sure, except that I have no income until the end of September. Also, I paid the registration a few days late (did I mention it was due at the same time as my first CSET?), so we have a hefty late fee. Also, I got a ticket for expired registration on our old car (which precipitated the exchanging of that car for a new one), and in the process of offloading it and buying a new car with money we didn't have, I forgot about the ticket. So what was a $25 fix-it ticket is now a whopping $525 fix-it ticket for a car we don't even own anymore. Did I mention this happened at the same time as my first CSET? Feel free to do the math...yep, we now owe over a grand for car crap. And did I mention that I have no income until the end of September? Not to fear...we have my summer saver account and Matt's selling his guitar.

We're okay...God is providing. We will be able to eat and pay our bills and put diapers on our kid. We have two working cars and a roof over our heads. However, this leaves us with a few downers. What were we going to do with our piles of money? Go on an anniversary trip this weekend and maybe move into a house. Are these still options? Well....probably not.

But we're going to try to do it anyway.

So far today, I have canceled an appointment to get the car looked at because Ben was screaming and I had to pack. I've read a chapter of Economics and a chapter of California history. I have one more chapter of Econ to read today. I have cleaned a lot of the apartment, but there is still a lot left. I made plans with my bestie Erin to go on another Orange County Adventure, and I'm trying desperately to still do it because every other part of my day has really sucked. Ben has been whiny and toddlery, crying because I wiped the oatmeal off his face, crying because I changed his oatmeal-crusted shirt, crying because I changed his diaper, and crying because I kept pulling him off the computer that can't go anywhere else. I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. We decided to go on our trip because we are in desperate need of a getaway. We need it for our marriage and our sanity. This is the first time we've been able to get away since Ben came (and only the third time we've gotten away in our entire marriage, seeing as Ben has been a part of most of it). On the flip side, this is the first time I've ever left my peanut overnight. So I'm frantically trying to pack while replacing all of the books Ben is pulling off the shelf, replacing the pants he has emptied from my drawer, replacing the underwear he has pulled from another drawer, taking the underwear out of the trashcan where he put it, and taking Matt's shoe out of his mouth. I'm also simultaneously trying to reschedule the appointment I had to cancel to find out how much money we will be shelling out of our empty pockets, taking my History of Rome book out of Ben's clutches, being reminded that I start work in two weeks, and trying to push out of my mind all of the things that will be waiting for me after this weekend getaway that we can't afford.

After aforementioned packing adventure, I played with Ben for a bit. After a couple of minutes, he started playing with the computer again. I pried him off, took him to the couch, and held his crying, shaking body to my chest. As he struggled to break free and gasp for air in the midst of his cries, I gently persisted. After a couple of minutes he stopped resisting and collapsed into my arms, thumb firmly planted in his mouth. I realized a few things in this process. First, I knew that what was best for my son was him calming down. Second, I knew that letting him go back to the computer and continually prying him off it then letting go again and again would not achieve that. Finally, I knew that while he resisted, I was doing what was best for him. And I was patient. I calmly but firmly held on; and he relaxed. It occurred to me in that moment that I'm a good mother. And as I held my little boy, relaxed and breathing deeply in my arms, that I needed that, too. I needed to calm down in the midst of the chaos and the stress. I needed to stop struggling and just release it. I needed to know that God is taking care of me, and that freaking out and being consumed by my fears and anxieties will only exacerbate the circumstances.

So in five minutes, though I haven't read ch. 7 of Economics: A Self-Teaching Guide, I will get my little boy, give him a snack, and go to Bolsa Chica with two of my favorite people. I will walk around and enjoy the company and the scenery. Afterwords I will come home, leave the house in whatever condition it's in, and snuggle with my little boy for the last time until Sunday. Then I will leave him in my mother's capable hands and have a romantic, relaxing weekend with the love of my life. The rest can wait.