This Is the Day that the Lord Has Made

Today I go back to work.

Today Benjamin goes to his first ever day of daycare.

Last night I rocked with my little boy a little big longer before putting him to bed. I am so grateful to have had this beautiful summer with him. And I am so blessed to have a job that gives me summers off, four weeks of paid vacation during the year, and a schedule that gets me home by 3:30. I was so fortunate to have had my mom watch him during his first year, when he was so little and so needy. But now it's time to move on. My mom can't watch him full time anymore, and a 900 square foot upstairs apartment is not the ideal place for a toddler. So off he goes to Molly's, where he can run and play in a big house with a back yard and two other toddlers. He will be loved and cared for, and he will be across the street from my school. I am blessed.

But still I hurt. The tears poured down my face last night as I held my man, reflecting on our summer. If this was a movie, this would be the part where there would be a montage, probably with a song from The Fray like "Never Say Never," and there would flash scenes of all our adventures. I am grateful that he took his first steps with me. And while being a SAHM may have been the hardest full-time job I ever had, it was certainly the greatest. And that gift is mine again come Thanksgiving week, Christmas Break (oh, sorry..."Winter" Break), Easter Spring Break, and summer. I will probably be that mom that calls three times a day (especially considering I did that even when he was with my mom), and occasionally stops by for lunch. I packed way too many diapers and extra clothes in his bag, and I'm going to have to work hard to not micromanage Molly. Benjamin will love it--I'm not worried about that. He will be loved and cared for. But I will be the one across the street, shattered again each morning, teaching apathetic seventh graders how to read and write, and realizing that someday my son will be that seventh grader, and I want someone great in that classroom with them, and that these kids deserve that too.

Also, my kid needs to eat, and for that to happen, I have to take the hit.

So sweet Benjamin, when you're in high school and you resent me for letting someone else take care of you, please know I did it because I love you and I had to.

Once more unto the breach...

First Day of School!