Happy Fake Birthday, Dear Benjamin

Today is Benjamin's pretend birthday. His real birthday is next Sunday, but the party is today. Originally we planned this because his actual birthday weekend cuts it pretty close to my due date, and we wanted to make sure that a) I was physically capable of handling a party, and b) Ben was due on Aug. 5 and was born July 17th. Emma is due Aug. 6...so...you can do the risk assessment on that one. So as far as B is concerned, today is his birthday. He has begged for a dinosaur party with a bounce house, pinata, and birthday cake. That wasn't going to happen. So we're going to the beach with close family and friends with kids his age. It will be small, and there is no theme other than "we're going to the beach together". If Emma stays put all the way to his actual birthday, we'll do something small and dinosaur-y then.

As for Emma, at my appointment yesterday I was 3cm dilated, 100% effaced, and 0 station. Of course anything can happen, but she will likely be born within the week. I'm off bedrest, because what's the point now? I'm at 36 weeks today. I was told that it would be best if we could try to keep her in there for one more week. But if I don't feel like I can handle it anymore, a long walk or an afternoon at the fair would probably tip me into active labor. At the moment, the morning marine layer is back, our house has dropped to a cool 72 degrees, the contractions have calmed, I'm allowed to get out of the house and do things, and the AC will probably be installed this weekend. I'm thinking that if Emma wants to stay in I'm game for one more week. I think just knowing that the end is closer than a month away will give me the endurance I need to hang in there. Of course, my water could break when I hit "publish" on this post and the whole thing would be moot. But for now, I'm feeling up to sticking with it.

In the meantime, we have a lot to do. Technically we're still short a bed. It's an errand that got lost along the way in the last couple of crazy weeks. We've also got some casseroles to make and freeze and a few other little things. But these are doable in the next few days with help from my parents (parents rule--I should know, I have a lot of them).

 Also in the meantime, I have an amazing little family of three. Last night Ben and I had extended cuddle and fun time before bed, and it was so sweet and wonderful that I could have cried. I love this little turd so much it astounds me. The other night when I had my total breakdown to Matt, he grabbed me kleenex and toys and threw his arms around me, telling me he loves me and that I shouldn't be sad. His potty training, which was going incredible, has dissolved into accident after accident. Right now he's running around in his undies and Matt's hat and shoes, because that's what he wants to do. But whatever--he's amazing. He's sweet and kind and funny, and despite being a pill and occasionally a holy terror, my life is infinitely better with him in it. He makes me laugh until I cry and pee a little, all day long. He puts on song and dance shows for me, fixes things with his tools, helps me put together Emma's baby crap, helps me cook, plays with my face, tells me I'm beautiful and I look like a princess, and gives me more hugs and kisses than I could ever ask for. Last night, while he was singing to and kissing Emma in my tummy (his idea), I could have just dissolved into sweet tears. I am so excited for Emma to come, but I'm a little bit sad that my time with my sweet little boy will necessarily be split.


So today I will celebrate him. I will play with him at the beach, spoil him rotten with affection and presents, and soak up every moment I can. Once his sister comes, the fog of the newborn period will begin, and it will be a while before our fun adventures will begin anew.

In honor of B's fake birthday, here are a few gems from the last couple of days (try not to question my parenting...please remember the week that I've had)...


Me: Nana's coming over today.
Ben: Yeah, because Nana needs to talk to you because I'm eating yogurt. Yogurt is good...because it's pink.

Me: Do you need to go potty?
B: No. I just went pee pee yesterday.

Me: Do you need a spanking?
B: No, because my butt is too sharp for you.

Me: Stop screaming. You need to answer my question.
B: No! YOU need to answer MY question.
Me: What's your question?
B: I need to scream because I'm angry.
Me: Why are you angry?
B: You need a time out.

I love you, Super Ben. Forever and ever, you are my favorite little boy.

Labor, Day Six

I'm still pregnant.

I'm going to be honest--I'm a little ambiguous about that right now. I know that Emma needs to stay in there as long as possible, and I really want her to. I really really want her to not come until she's good and healthy and ready to meet the world. But these have seriously been 36 of the hardest weeks ever. I spent the first 2/3 of it so sick I lost ten pounds and could barely function. Once that let up it has been one thing after another--pre-term labor at 24 weeks, weird kidney issues, horrid reflux, and now another pre-term labor (but kicked up like twenty notches). When I was in hospital on Saturday the midwife jokingly asked if I was trying to have a baby that day. It took everything in me to not sob and scream, "oh my gosh, get her out I just want to be done." After two days of intense labor, while things have thankfully calmed down, I still have had painful contractions throughout each day since. We've got a sweet heat wave going here, and with Matt working so hard to cook and clean and take care of Ben he hasn't had the time or energy to put in the window air conditioning unit that we bought a while ago and has been sitting in the garage. The temperature has not dropped below 80 degrees inside our house, even at night--it's often hovering around 90. Which means that I've spent the last five days of bedrest laying on the couch sweating and completely unable to leave or change anything. I have a heat rash all along the backs of my legs. I haven't slept in days because the contractions and the heat make it impossible, and because Miss Emma is sitting in the birth canal using my bladder as a yoga mat. So while I desperately want to keep her in there as long as possible because that's what I'm supposed to want, I also want this Hades to end. And yes, I know that once she comes my life will be infinitely harder. I know life with two kids will be more exhausting than I can even imagine. And I have no delusions of grandeur when it comes to the newborn stage--I've done it, and it's awful (yes, I know that my sweet little girl's face will melt me and I will love her infinitely and it's all worth it, yada yada...colic blows). But I've been in labor for a week. And I've had a rough pregnancy. 36 weeks is a really long time to feel like hell. To be so physically pummeled and still attempt to coherently teach, maintain a home, play with my kid, and smile and be cheerful and friendly and happy. To rarely be able go to birthday parties and baby showers and church or even coffee with a friend.  So confession time: part of me wants to make it to the finish line, part of me wants the finish line to come to me. I am so grateful for all of the support from people around me. And I'm grateful for the encouragement. But another confession: sometimes the encouragement makes me feel worse. Sometimes the reminders that it's all worth it make me feel like crap, because it makes me feel like I don't have a right to hate all this. Like I should be just grateful to be participating in the miracle of life instead of feeling like it's okay if, while it is completely worth it, it's also completely miserable. Probably most of that is me and my issues; no one has ever invalidated my struggle. But there it is. The truth is that if I'm really honest with myself, when I go in to my midwife tomorrow, I'm really hoping there is an end in sight, and that it's sooner rather than later. Because I'm hot and tired and frick these contractions hurt.

Just so I don't leave you feeling like I'm circling the emotional drain, you should know that I'm actually on an upswing. Yesterday my friend and her daughter came to spend some time with B and me, which was a welcome distraction. This morning my mom came for a bit to play with B while I read and slept a little. Then I said, "Screw bedrest. I need to get out of this sauna." So we went to the mall for a short while, then I took Ben to get a haircut (I promise I sat down and rested frequently). Then we went to B's swimming lesson (aaaaaaahhhh...cool water). The house is covered in cars and the sink is full of dishes, but I don't care.

I do, however, care that as I typed that sentence Ben emerged from his room; apparently he thinks 30 minutes is an appropriate nap. I beg to differ. Especially considering that as soon as he was out he did this:

Then he said he had to go pee, which reminds me that before his nap he peed on the floor, then pooped in his new pull-up about two minutes later. Which brings us back to the present. He pitched a fit when I wouldn't give him his new car (his prize for going a whole day without an accident). I put him back in his bed because he obviously needs more sleep, and he promptly started screaming and throwing things (obviously I'm wrong here--he's clearly well-rested).

So much for break time. Sigh. That was a short upswing.

Hot Mess

And to think I was worried he'd get bored while I was on bedrest...

The beginning stages--Dragon Mountain

 

The guards

The annex

Now it's a fort

Now it's just awesome

And what was I doing while all of this was taking place?

A big shout-out to my mom who rescued us from ourselves later in the day, made us lunch, did our laundry, and made us smile.

All Quiet on the Western Front

We had a very mellow 4th of July. So mellow that it's 8:30pm and I'm already summing up our day. Yep. We're already done. Because that's how we roll these days. Nevertheless, at the moment, I'm feeling a little bit content.

The morning started off a little rough. The contractions are slowing--they're few and far between, rather than every two minutes. They're also not quite as painful and intense. But my body is starting to show some wear and tear. I'm pretty exhausted and tired from 2 1/2 days of constant pain and effort, with little sleep. For now I think the labor is subsiding, but I haven't got much in me to actually do the "activity as tolerated" part of my modified bedrest.

However, after days of sitting around at home and only leaving the house to run the occasional errand, I was ready for something fun (if mellow). We'd been invited to a nearby friend's for a 4th of July shindig, which we decided at the last minute to go ahead and do. Ben had a lot of friends there, which gave him a chance to play and run and enjoy himself. And Matt and I were eager to enjoy adult company. We didn't stay long, but it was nice to be outside, chat with friends, and watch Ben have fun with his pals.

Tomorrow Matt goes back to work. While I'm feeling a bit better, I'm not sure how this whole thing is going to go on my own. But we'll make it work.

Happy 4th!!!

Adjusting

Today has been relatively low-key. We've run a couple of errands, one at a time. I've spent a good amount of time in bed and on the couch. The contractions are slowing down for the moment. Tonight is Benjamin night--we got him his birthday present from Ikea early so he and Matt could put it together today, then later we'll get pizza and watch whatever he wants. That's how we do.

boooooooooo to this

yaaaaaaaaaaay to this

Girls are Drama

So I went into labor yesterday. It was a long day, and I don't really feel up to the task of relating the whole adventure. But here's the skinny.

I was having contractions all day (side note: I actually forgot how painful those suckers can get...who knew?), and they weren't letting up despite going through the "How to make your pre-term labor stop" routine...twice. So after B's nap we dropped him off at the neighbor's, hastily threw together a bag (a step we never got to when my first Early Bird came three years ago), and headed to L&D. After six hours of monitoring, an IV, and head scratching, they gave me the option of going home or staying overnight for observation. I opted to go home. I'm essentially still in labor--still having contractions every five minutes or so. This could go on for a day, or it could go on for a couple of weeks. As Ben would say, "We not know."

So now I'm on modified bedrest, which means I can get up and walk around on occasion, run an errand if I'm feeling up to it, that sort of thing. But for the most part I'm to be resting. Which means relying on others to cook, clean, take care of and entertain Ben, that sort of thing. Which means me feeling immeasurable amounts of guilt and sadness that I'm a burden. Or maybe I could cut myself some slack and enjoy the break. My only job is to try to keep Emma in for as long as possible.

For the moment, I'm alright. It's a long weekend, which means Matt's here and I don't have to worry about anything for at least a couple more days. Emma's doing great in there, and all things considered I'm doing quite well. In a decent amount of pain, but healthy. If she came today, she'd be okay. I have a lot to be thankful for. But still...I could do without the drama. And lying on a couch in 90 degree weather with no air conditioning for 4th of July. But still...it could be much worse.

So now we just wait.

Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Morning

It is 8:35am, and already my day has involved multiple time-outs, tiny bits of toilet paper scattered throughout the house, flying books, a huge circle of spiteful pee on the couch, ear-splitting screams, and substantial quantities of tears.

After Ben tried to put me on time-out for taking his books and dinosaurs off the couch so I could actually sit down (and not in a puddle of pee), my own tears started to fall. Too much. It had been too much. Ben stopped his tantrum abruptly.

"Mommy, are you sad?"
"Yes, baby, I'm sad."
"Why are you sad?"
"Because you're being so naughty. You keep throwing things and screaming and disobeying. It makes me sad when you do those things."
(B rummages through his toy box and emerges with a motorcycle.) "I got this for you. It will make you happy."

Some days are like this...even in Australia.

Even so, it's a good thing my mom's coming to take him today so I can take a break with my friend. Me and the B need some time.