Things

I just finished reading a book that was so divine. I'm pretty sure it's the only book in existence that contains both lines from "Prufrock" and the word douchebag. It is called The Fault in our Stars, and I think you should read it. Now. Seriously, why are you still here?

Anyway, it got me thinking and reflecting and whatnot. I often feel like I'm stuck in adolescence. In my head I am forever an insecure 13 year old. But the other day when I was driving and thinking about teenage-ness and growing up (a train of thought launched by aforementioned amazing book), it occurred to me that I am not, in fact, 13. I'm a grown-up. I have a career. And I'm actually not horrible at it. I'm on Important Committees, and I'm a leader of a few things. I'm even on an official Task Force. I'm responsible for the education of a couple hundred hormonal pre-teens. I'm also responsible for keeping two humans alive. Two humans that I grew inside of my belly. I mean, this is all serious business. And while I make mistakes, I don't totally suck. At some point, while I wasn't paying attention, I grew up.

Sometimes this grown-up life of mine is hard and stressful and even painful. Reading this book made me terrified of parenting. Because loving someone infinitely can mean extraordinary pain. That's a hefty responsibility and commitment.

But this grown-up life...it's beautiful. Every day I get to watch a couple hundred hormonal adolescents change and learn and grow right in front of me. And I get to be a part of it. The other day my students were doing an activity, and they did the whole thing with British accents. Just because. Yesterday I laughed until I cried with the girls in my knitting club. Sure, sometimes they drive me nuts, and grading mountains of essays sometimes saps my will to live. But when the mountain is good--that's pretty satisfying. And those little humans I grew in my belly? The greatest joy I have ever known. We have dance parties and tea parties and play dress-up. Last night Emma ran through the house butt naked roaring and saying "I tiger." When Matt and the kids came home from the mall, Ben handed me a bag with a cookie in it. He made me close my eyes and reach my hand in the bag to get it. He lit up with joy when I got it. Those two--they light up my life. And Matthew...he's the best man a girl could ever ask for. He makes me laugh and think. He turned me into a liberal. I mean--he changed me. Seriously changed me.

This life of mine is pretty good. I'm not the insecure 13 year old I used to be.

Growth, baby.