Healing

I feel good today. I feel peace. It's nice. I haven't felt good like this in quite a while. Post-partum depression is sneaky like that. You don't realize how big the cloud is until the sun starts to peak through.

God is good. He has provided in ways that are blowing my mind a little bit. He has been answering so many of my absurdly specific and unreasonable prayers lately that it's kind of silly. Some things remain the same. For example, he has not made money fall from the sky so I can be a stay-at-home mom. BUT he has provided for as long a time at home as I could hope for, and he is making going back to work as painless as could be reasonably expected. Every time I think about handing Emma over to someone for eight hours, a little piece of me dies. It's so bad that I simply refused to look for a situation for her. I couldn't bring myself to do it. But last week I buckled down and started looking, because I go back in two weeks and I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to bring Emma with me. It's kind of a long story, but the end result is that God led us to what appears to be the perfect situation (or at least second perfect--perfect being the whole money raining from the sky so I can stay at home thing). He orchestrated the whole thing in a way that gives me goosebumps. While my hearts still breaks at the thought of leaving her daily (and that will probably not change--it never did with Ben), I feel more at peace with it now. I feel good about her care, and I am grateful for all of the details that make it good.

Some prayers remain, and they will. That I will be a good teacher this year and enjoy my job and my students, and that I won't sob my head off every day and pine for a life that is not mine. That God would continue to provide financially so that we can meet our needs and our future goals. That my children will thrive in my absence, and that I will be okay with that. And that my house will not fall into complete ruin because seriously, I have a hard enough time keeping my head above water while I'm not working--just thinking about managing the upkeep of my home and family while adding my work into the mix makes my blood pressure take a leap.

But for the moment, I feel good. I feel good about my life and my self, and where I am headed. In two weeks that might change, but I feel like I can take it, that God will get me through it, and that I will come out the other side a stronger and more healed and whole person.

Cheers.